because you are mine

Gavin,

Last week you turned two years old. I still don't think that has completely sunk in to Mommy's brain and heart. In some ways it feels like we just took you home. Mommy can still picture you sitting on the kitchen table all snuggled in your brand new car seat with your baggy newborn clothes on while she thought "oh my word, he is really ours, we-have-no-idea-what-we-are-doing" Your infant car seat only lasted until you were 6 months old and your outgrew it. My how things have changed in those short two years.

There are so many things I love about you little lamb. At times you are fierce like a lion, and you have your own idea on how certain things should go down. And just when Mommy worries that she isn't doing you justice as your parent you show her a glimpse into how tender and soft your heart really is. I secretly admire your strong will because I know that with some fine tuning that same stubborn strong will is going to take you wherever your little heart desires in this life.

Truth be told your Mom was in kind of a "rut" in parenting. Blame it on tax season and that your Daddy has been working more. Blame it on the fact that Mommy is 6 months pregnant and sometimes she is just plain tired in trying to balance everything. Blame it on whatever you like. Some days were hard and long and from sun up to sun down everything felt like a chore. Mommy's perspective has certainly changed thanks to prayer and time alone with the Lord. Each and every day is seriously a gift from above, not a guarantee...Mom's trying her best to live in a way that mirrors that to you. Please be patient with me okay bud? I want to get this whole Mamma thing right for you.

You are talk, talk, talking now. Full, long, sentences. Some big words. I have so many favorites but my most recent is when we were playing downstairs together and you looked at Mom and said (in a southern accent nonetheless) "Mamma, I bee riight baack" Mom almost peed her pants she laughed so hard. Another favorite is when you come running up to Mom and reach for her hand and say "I show Mom some-sing" You usually lead me one of two places...the snack cupboard for jelly beans or your crib for your paci and blankies. Another classic is "up by Mom!" My, my, my how smart you already are.

When I think about my life, my goals, my most challenging yet rewarding job, I think about you and being your Mamma. The past 2 years have been nothing short of incredible. Some days you give me grey hair, like when I found you in our master closet with my blowdryer plugged in and turned on "high" and you were frozen in fear. I asked you "did you get hurt or did it just scare you?" to which you replied "SCARE YOU!" Or take another example when you had been quiet for 30 seconds in the master bathroom and Mom came running to find you sitting on your stepstool pumping Mommy's liquid hair product into your mouth. When Mom took it away you just grinned from ear and ear and said " I eat it!" You are my sunshine every.single.morning. I will never tire from hearing you say "mornin Mom, I all done seeping, Mommy all done seeping too!"The way you run to me when I pick you up from daycare is more than my heart can handle, there are no words to do that feeling justice.

Mommy and Daddy have started to pray with you every night before bedtime using a prayer Mommy learned as a little girl and this at times is also more than my heart can handle listening to your sweet little voice say words like "i pray the Lord my soul to keep". Mommy's own deepest prayers and desires are for you to grow up and know God in a tangible way.

With happiness and good times also come sad and hard times and we have entered this new stage of discipline that is no fun. Turns out it's true that discipline hurts worse to the one administering it.  I know you won't believe me on that one for many years, but you just wait. You are starting to get the hang of it though because after you threw a tantrum because Mommy wouldn't let you eat pickles for breakfast and you decided you should hit her, Mommy scooped you up, didn't say anything and you looked at her and said "I nee time out" half as a question half as a statement.

I love how much you already admire your Daddy. Every morning after you say Good Morning you always ask "I see Dad? We are so lucky to have him buddy, don't you ever forget that. I love watching you two together in the bathroom on Sunday mornings. You with your chubby little thighs hanging out of your size 5 diaper while you are standing on your stepstool looking up at Daddy who is shaving.

You are my pride and joy sweet boy.

Love you to the moon and back
Mommy

Drumroll Please...

While I had intentions of a long-winded, full of detail post...a picture and a few words will have to suffice. We have surrendered to the stomach flu in our house and have one sick little boy who will not eat. Seems my time has been taken up cleaning up vomit, diarrhea and trying to treat a mean diaper rash. The true love of a mother shines when her little is sick.

Christmas was especially joyous for us this year as we had a big secret to share. I will let the picture do the talking.

That's right, our little 22 month old Gavin is going to be a BIG BROTHER this summer. We feel so incredibly blessed by God with the timing of this pregnancy and that He would choose us to bring another precious baby into this world. We worked hard to "hide" our secret for around 7 weeks as Christmas seemed like the perfect time to announce our news. Our hearts are overflowing with joy and anticipation and I'm finding out it's true that a pregnant belly "pops" sooner the second time around :)

a christmas with no tree

November has left me harried. I peeked back at the two pages that represented the month while holding my breath thankful that I came out alive. There were a whole three boxes that were blank. That means 27 of the remaining boxes were chock full. The month started out with a bang as we uprooted our first home of 4 years and moved to our dream forever home; a homey updated multi level sitting on 1.5 acres with a fenced in back yard and pasture. I can still remember walking through it during the open house and only minutes after setting foot here I tapped Brady and whispered to him "I'm not sure how this is all going to pan out, but one thing I  know is this is home" Fast forward a few busy/exciting/stressfull months and we are now here and getting settled. 

I am a homebody. I'm not sure when this started, but I love to be home. I would say I'm 70% introverted and 30% extroverted. Don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those wierd people who never likes to leave, I just love to be in my own element (while wearing yoga pants and t-shirts) November had us make the 4 hour (painful) drive to Minneapolis not once, but twice. The latter trip being for a cirque de soleil concert with family. The first trip was strictly business...shopping for the girls and Vikings game for the boys. The silver lining of this traveling was this...pottery barn twice in one month. I now know what a kid in a candy store really feels like. I exhibited self control and only bought 2 things, a few cribsheets for Gavin and a Christmas gift for my favorite sister.

Next came Thanksgiving and a 20 month old who decided to boycott his nap for the day. We split the day in half with each family so needless to say there was too much going on for my little lamb to sleep. We tried multiple times to lay him down to no avail, he would sign and say "nigh-nigh all done, up!" with his chubby little outstretched arms and I couldn't say no. Seems brother is more extroverted than introverted and he is re-energized with being around people. I am loving his blooming personality and vocabulary. He is learning and using new words daily, common ones are "All done, mom-mom-show" (Translated: Mommy is all done with her shower) "May pot all done" (Translated: Maya (our dog) is done doing her business outside (or on the bathroom rug) which is neither here nor there. Have I mentioned how much I love her? A personal favorite of mine is Gavin running up to me with a book in his hand "Mom-mom siiit" (Translated: Mommy sit down so I can sit on your lap and you can read to me) Every morning I wake up to a very happy Gavin yelling "Moooommm!!!" from his crib. If Brady is already at work he always says "Daddy hwuck bye-bye?" (Translated: Did Daddy leave for work in his truck already?" Turns out Gavin may be a dentist as he is ub-sessed with brushing his teeth. I think we at least do it 4 times a day. He will find me in our bathroom and get up on his little step stool and repeat over and over "Mom-Mom bruuussshh please" The newest word he learned came this morning as he woke up 20 minutes earlier than normal so I decided to go in and rock him for awhile and he was humming and singing some and all the sudden looked at me and said "Mom-Mom WHAT??" and just died laughing. I had no idea a little one saying "what" could be so hilarious. He enunciates it with perfection and seems to use it correctly. Another common word is "Tuu" (Transalted: Thank-you)

One more adorable story - we went shopping to Hy Vee and they now have these little green carts meant for kids to push and since we were both there we let Gavin go ahead with it. He followed us so well, said hi to everyone he met, and kept his cart empty until aisle 2. "Choo-choo num nums hwacks!!!" (Thomas the Train fruit snacks)(duh!) He then proceded to pile not one but six boxes of fruit snacks in his cart and went on his merry little way. Too hilarious.

The end of the month has left me trying to decorate for Christmas. As if it isn't enough to move right before the holidays and try to have some "regular" decorations out. If I'm honest this really got me stressed. We decided to sell our Christmas tree and decor before moving and I really regret the decision. While it sounded nice to "start over since our tree was too big" I now have this big bare empty spot in our living room that is screaming to have a luscious tree there. Problem is I'm too dutch to pay full price for a new one along with lights and ornaments. So it looks like our first Christmas here will be without a tree unless there is some divine intervention or we decide to go with a real one. I am okay with this though, I will be gracious towards myself in this regard. We will still have a very meaningful Christmas with or without a tree.

December is looking to be slightly more kind as we have two weekends open so far. My prayer is that we will make time to bask in the wonder of the birth of our King. Happy December everyone.

Day 6

Today (and everyday) I'm thankful for my 20 month old son Gavin. He is the most adorable, full of life, friendly, strong willed, hilarious, observant, stubborn, and dramatic little boy that I've ever loved. And those eyes, they pierce straight through to my soul everytime. Thank you God for entrusting His life to me.

Day 2 & 3 of thanks

I'm combining a few days here and cutting my self some slack since we did just move. Today I'm thankful that in a month and a half we will be celebrating the birth of our Saviour, Jesus Christ. He is the reason for the season. And I'm also thankful for getting to decorate a new home.

Thirty Days of Thanks

Today I'm thankful for this little creative space in my life. I am more than happy with the finished custom project "The Seventh Sparrow" made for me. My favorite part is that this little ensamble is unique...don't go looking at your local Target for this diamond in the rough, you won't find her. I'm also grinning from ear to ear that our 6+ month "no-internet-at-home" fast is complete. I'm back online and ready to get my blog on.

answering the call

Last night while the rest of my house was in a silent slumber and my eyes weren't quite ready to shut for the night, I again felt God leading me to do something that I feel so ill-equipped to conquer. It feels easier to talk myself out of it and not even entertain the idea. I feel like saying "not now God, I can't do this" Have you ever felt uncertain in where God was leading you only to continually day after day feel lead in more and more ways towards this specific direction despite your (futile) effort to just plain run in the other direction? I guess you could say that's the boat I'm paddling in right now. Heck my boats probably spinning in circles.

I've even put off writing this specific post for over a month. I've shared the idea with 2 people. That's it. I shared the idea with a friend thinking (read:hoping) she would for sure agree with my efforts to run, while telling me, that-is-way-too-big-of-a-bite-to-chew. Hah, quite the opposite actually. She encouraged me, told me no sense running. So here I am. Trying to make some sense of all this.

I will start by saying that I don't believe in chance. I truly believe life experiences do not happen randomly, especially the hard life experiences we endure. I believe they come with great purpose and while we certainly don't understand them at the time, God intends for us to learn from these times. God wants us to help others should they find themselves in a similar situation feeling alone.

If you're still reading, thank-you. I will stop beating around the bush and let you know that what I am feeling called to do is...

write a book.

(more specifically write a memoir about my experience with postpartum depression)

Even typing those mere words puts me into a hypertensive state. Thoughts run through my head such as "I'm a nurse, not an author" "I've never even taken one writing class" "I could never get a publisher" "Why would I want to relieve in detail the absolute hardest (yet most defining) time of my life" "No one would pay real money to read it" "I cannot balance being a Mom, wife, part time nurse and add in writing a book" And the most influential I can't do this thought would be "Someday Gavin will be old enough to read this book, would he think less of me as his mother knowing the battle that waged after he was born"?

Doubts, doubts, doubts.

Despite stubborn doubts that pop up to the surface of my mind, there are also times of peace. Times when potential book titles pop into my head and I have no explanation as to where they came from other than from the Father himself. Times during prayer when I feel Him speak to me saying you don't have to have this all figured out, you never will, but I know what I'm calling you to do. I'm beginning to realize that this doesn't have to have a timeline on it. God doesn't call people to certain tasks and give them deadlines, at least I don't feel that way. That being said this may be something I do in the near future, or the not so near future but I'm coming to accept that I will follow God's lead and with His divine help, I will do it.