Day 6

Today (and everyday) I'm thankful for my 20 month old son Gavin. He is the most adorable, full of life, friendly, strong willed, hilarious, observant, stubborn, and dramatic little boy that I've ever loved. And those eyes, they pierce straight through to my soul everytime. Thank you God for entrusting His life to me.

Day 2 & 3 of thanks

I'm combining a few days here and cutting my self some slack since we did just move. Today I'm thankful that in a month and a half we will be celebrating the birth of our Saviour, Jesus Christ. He is the reason for the season. And I'm also thankful for getting to decorate a new home.

Thirty Days of Thanks

Today I'm thankful for this little creative space in my life. I am more than happy with the finished custom project "The Seventh Sparrow" made for me. My favorite part is that this little ensamble is unique...don't go looking at your local Target for this diamond in the rough, you won't find her. I'm also grinning from ear to ear that our 6+ month "no-internet-at-home" fast is complete. I'm back online and ready to get my blog on.

answering the call

Last night while the rest of my house was in a silent slumber and my eyes weren't quite ready to shut for the night, I again felt God leading me to do something that I feel so ill-equipped to conquer. It feels easier to talk myself out of it and not even entertain the idea. I feel like saying "not now God, I can't do this" Have you ever felt uncertain in where God was leading you only to continually day after day feel lead in more and more ways towards this specific direction despite your (futile) effort to just plain run in the other direction? I guess you could say that's the boat I'm paddling in right now. Heck my boats probably spinning in circles.

I've even put off writing this specific post for over a month. I've shared the idea with 2 people. That's it. I shared the idea with a friend thinking (read:hoping) she would for sure agree with my efforts to run, while telling me, that-is-way-too-big-of-a-bite-to-chew. Hah, quite the opposite actually. She encouraged me, told me no sense running. So here I am. Trying to make some sense of all this.

I will start by saying that I don't believe in chance. I truly believe life experiences do not happen randomly, especially the hard life experiences we endure. I believe they come with great purpose and while we certainly don't understand them at the time, God intends for us to learn from these times. God wants us to help others should they find themselves in a similar situation feeling alone.

If you're still reading, thank-you. I will stop beating around the bush and let you know that what I am feeling called to do is...

write a book.

(more specifically write a memoir about my experience with postpartum depression)

Even typing those mere words puts me into a hypertensive state. Thoughts run through my head such as "I'm a nurse, not an author" "I've never even taken one writing class" "I could never get a publisher" "Why would I want to relieve in detail the absolute hardest (yet most defining) time of my life" "No one would pay real money to read it" "I cannot balance being a Mom, wife, part time nurse and add in writing a book" And the most influential I can't do this thought would be "Someday Gavin will be old enough to read this book, would he think less of me as his mother knowing the battle that waged after he was born"?

Doubts, doubts, doubts.

Despite stubborn doubts that pop up to the surface of my mind, there are also times of peace. Times when potential book titles pop into my head and I have no explanation as to where they came from other than from the Father himself. Times during prayer when I feel Him speak to me saying you don't have to have this all figured out, you never will, but I know what I'm calling you to do. I'm beginning to realize that this doesn't have to have a timeline on it. God doesn't call people to certain tasks and give them deadlines, at least I don't feel that way. That being said this may be something I do in the near future, or the not so near future but I'm coming to accept that I will follow God's lead and with His divine help, I will do it.

that's why i pray

To my sweet baby boy,

Tonight you let me rock you to sleep and we shared a precious moment in time I won’t soon forget. It was a moment that you and I were gazing into each other’s eyes, your hair still damp from your bath and your lips tug-tugging at your pacifier. I swear I could see right into your soul. There were lots of squeaky wheels begging for oil tonight. Squeaky wheels that included toys strewn across your nursery (read the entire house). A hamper overflowing with stinky clothes. Crusted dishes occupying our sterile white counter pleading for a good soaking. 

Well tonight you trumped them all after your bath as you brought me your blankie, pointed and said “ahh-ci” (paci) and excitedly replied “yeah!” when I asked you if you wanted Mamma to rock you. No, indeed tonight the squeaky wheels didn’t get the oil, the quiet, snuggly, buttermilk smelling toddler in striped pajamas got it. You see little one, the messes can always wait. The messes mean we played hard with all of your toys. The messes also mean we have full tummies and lots of energy. The messes can always wait and to me are proof that as your Mom I’m a rockstar. 

Before you came along Mommy struggled with perfection and image. But because of you, Mommy has learned to lay those expectations down and focus on what truly matters, raising you. There will come a time (albeit way too soon) when you are going to grow up and the snuggly nights of rocking my sweet honey smelling little boy will be just that, memories. Yes, they will be grand memories and that’s why I will always take the time to make those memories. I know it will mean so much more to you to have a Mom who is really present and there during your life rather than a Mom who is scurrying around whisper yelling at you to stop making a mess. 

Messes are always welcome here, you are always welcome here.

Like the term bittersweet, sometimes life’s greatest, most anticipated arrivals come paired with unexpected and unwelcome pain. We all as humans have struggles as we have to deal with living in a fallen world; I treaded the deep murky waters of post partum depression desperately begging for God to throw me a lifeline. 

I suppose it’s no mother’s wish to say she spent her first months with her newborn in agony, but I would be lying if I said otherwise. I can remember feeling so impatient, angry, and just plain jipped that I was having to deal with such an ugly struggle. After all I didn’t even really know what I was so sad about, why when I looked into my newborns eyes I felt nothing but emptiness. Why I had such a hard time letting my guard down to let the feelings of love naturally penetrate my heart after losing our first baby to miscarriage and then walking alongside my brother and sister in law and holding their precious stillborn son Jude on top of my somersaulting 26 week pregnant belly wondering why this was all happening. Could this truly be God’s plan? I was literally rocked to my absolute core. 

I specifically remember putting away my maternity clothes, the clothes I felt the most beautiful in, downstairs in a closet while my stomach uncontrollably lurched wanting nothing more than to go back, and don those damn clothes just to be able to feel something, anything for any amount of time. I traveled down a deep, dark pit occupied with lurking street names that included, apathy, inability to connect, pain, extreme sadness, guilt, numbness, and insomnia. It seemed wherever I turned came a new unwanted path that was so far from what I was expecting. I wanted to run and many times I tried only to find an even worse place. I prayed I would "wake up" to realize it was only a bad dream. It seemed that once I entered that dark pit I was held captive against my own will.

“You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy” Psalm 31:11

 

“He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God” Psalm 40: 2-3

It’s said hind sight is 20/20, well maybe 20/30 but regardless it’s easier to make sense of things looking back. I did end up kicking postpartum depression back where it belonged, to the curb after a 3-4 month battle thanks to God, family, friends and progesterone injections . God never left my side (even though I was convinced otherwise)And maybe, just maybe because of the deep struggle I faced, I’ve learned to truly bask in the happiness I now feel because in the beginning of my journey learning to be a Mamma I certainly felt otherwise.

{A very welcome side note; by nothing less than divine intervention, I was led to this blog and found someone who shared my struggles with PPD and truly “got it”. Praise be to God she just had her second baby and has been spared from experiencing PPD again, in place of it she’s experiencing joy and loving the newborn stage. Thank-you for giving me hope for the future Kara}

A Day in the Life

{I'm stealing this idea from another one of the blogs I follow although I can't for the life of me remember which one it is. This post is a way to document (if you will) and remember this very busy stage we as Mamma's to little ones find ourselves in}

We will take today for example. It’s a Wednesday which means it’s a stay-at-home-day.

0730- Wake up to Gavin saying “hi!” Make Gavin breakfast, get him changed into his clothes for the day, change his diaper, comb him hair and brush his teeth. After getting him ready, attempt to get myself ready which today consisted of 5 minute shower (with a 1 ½ year old trying to climb in with me while screaming his head off), no makeup, a wet ponytail and yoga pants. Don’t I look pretty.

0830 – Gavin has now brought me 5 different pairs of shoes and is continually saying “outside” as I’m scurrying around trying to get our house in mint condition before the realtor comes to take pictures for the website (Have I mentioned we're moving?! Well, we are. God is so good and has answered our prayers as we found the perfect acreage outside of town. I am so excited for this new chapter in our lives. More on that fun topic later.

0900 – Playtime outside. Gavin and I play the “stop, go!” game.

1000 – The realtor is here. We sign papers to get our house listed while I’m still following around an F5 tornado (read Gavin) trying to preserve the neatness I just worked my ass off to achieve so the online pictures are presentable.

1100 – PLAYDATE WITH LAURA AND JACKSON!!! Did I mention that I’ve been looking forward to this for weeks? We go way, way back and are still such good friends. I seriously love this girl, and her new little baby. Apparently he felt very comfortable here because he was letting the farts fly – atta boy Jackson!

1200 – Had intentions of making a delicious home-made meal. Ordered Pizza Ranch. Life happens. Had dinner with the Mr, Laura, my sister, and my Mom (who were just as excited to meet little Jax as I was)

1245 – The F5 tornado is ready for a nap. PTL.

0100 – Long overdue girlfriend time and ahhing over sweet baby Jackson.

0330 – Gavin’s awake. Snack time. More playing.

0400 – Daddy is home early today from work since he has his last league session of the season.

0530 – Go drop the Mr off at the golf course since we’ve been down to one vehicle for the past month. I now understand why Gavin cries when I tell him he has to share with his friends. It sort of sucks. That is neither here nor there. Moving on.

0600 – Supper date at home with my little man. Menu is leftovers. Numma, numma.

0630 – Playdate with Cousin Carter (pronounced KAH-tur) and Auntie Lissa.

0700 – Bathtime, pajamas, story hour, and bedtime prayers.

0800 – Lights out (for Gavin)(Mommy wishes it was lights out for her too)(Time to tidy up again, tomorrow all the realtors walk through our house)

"our place"

If my heart and parenting were recently in a place of drought, consider it to have down-poured on my soul. Flooding rains which successfully filled my cup back up where it should be. I knew this vacation would rejuvanate me, but I didn't know how much.

Yankton is our place. Always has been. Always will be. We got engaged here on this very lake during a romantic evening boat ride. We announced our pregnancy with Gavin here. We hope to announce every child here. We may have even got the idea for the name Gavin from this very place.

Like it said, it's our place.

It's that serene place, chock full of childhood memories for me. It's the place I dream about Gavin having oodles of childhood memories as well. It's where one could likely find me if I ever run away (grin) We spent many a weekends camping here. We keep that tradition chugging along by having an annual vacation here with my immediate family as well. Gavin loved it. I thought he liked it last year (well I'm not really sure how I could tell since he was practically an infant yet) but he told me this year.

Many times I asked him "Gavin, do you love the Yankton?" To which my little ham replied "Yeaaa!!!" I've honestly never seen the kid happier. I guess that's expected when you stay in a house full of many of the people he loves most in his life. Every morning he would wake up and excitedly say "Papa!!!" and go to look for Grandpa. Turns out he's a lot like me in another way, he does much better in small groups of people and his true personality shines. I'm pretty sure his purpose on this life may just be to make people laugh, and tell them hello. He's one heck of a friendly greeter.

He turned over a new leaf with sharing toys with his cousin Carter. They also shared lots of hugs and kisses.

My typical-early-bird-gets-the-worm slept in one morning until 9:30 am. NINE-FREAKIN-THIRTY-PEOPLE. That's a world record for us. For that we will celebrate. I haven't felt more rested in 17 months.

Turns out the little lamb has been watching Mommy and Daddy during family devotions at meals as he has picked up on folding his hands to pray and anticipates the ending by shouting "aaaammeeenn" (In case your wondering the first time I saw it my eyes were wet while my heart was melting inside me)

Like I said, water to my dry lands.

The weather was honestly ideal. It was comfortable to be outside regardless of if we were swimming or not. We went on many bike rides with the littles in their bike carts enjoying some sugar on a stick (read: lots of suckers) to keep them occupied. We also spent lots of time at the beach getting sand in places it doesn't belong (Mammas included)(just kidding)(maybe) The park was another favorite. One of my personal favorites is the house we rented. It's cottagy and homey and it brings happiness to my soul to have all my family under one roof like the good ol' times. I'm not sure I can say the good ol' times yet, heck I'm still in my prime people.

"Papa farm" (as Gavin calls him) put it best during a prayer he graced us with one evening.

"God, thank you for these little happy, healthy boys as they're pretty much the joy of our lives"

To that I say, Amen. Thank you God for your many, many blessings from above.