Drumroll Please...

While I had intentions of a long-winded, full of detail post...a picture and a few words will have to suffice. We have surrendered to the stomach flu in our house and have one sick little boy who will not eat. Seems my time has been taken up cleaning up vomit, diarrhea and trying to treat a mean diaper rash. The true love of a mother shines when her little is sick.

Christmas was especially joyous for us this year as we had a big secret to share. I will let the picture do the talking.

That's right, our little 22 month old Gavin is going to be a BIG BROTHER this summer. We feel so incredibly blessed by God with the timing of this pregnancy and that He would choose us to bring another precious baby into this world. We worked hard to "hide" our secret for around 7 weeks as Christmas seemed like the perfect time to announce our news. Our hearts are overflowing with joy and anticipation and I'm finding out it's true that a pregnant belly "pops" sooner the second time around :)

a christmas with no tree

November has left me harried. I peeked back at the two pages that represented the month while holding my breath thankful that I came out alive. There were a whole three boxes that were blank. That means 27 of the remaining boxes were chock full. The month started out with a bang as we uprooted our first home of 4 years and moved to our dream forever home; a homey updated multi level sitting on 1.5 acres with a fenced in back yard and pasture. I can still remember walking through it during the open house and only minutes after setting foot here I tapped Brady and whispered to him "I'm not sure how this is all going to pan out, but one thing I  know is this is home" Fast forward a few busy/exciting/stressfull months and we are now here and getting settled. 

I am a homebody. I'm not sure when this started, but I love to be home. I would say I'm 70% introverted and 30% extroverted. Don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those wierd people who never likes to leave, I just love to be in my own element (while wearing yoga pants and t-shirts) November had us make the 4 hour (painful) drive to Minneapolis not once, but twice. The latter trip being for a cirque de soleil concert with family. The first trip was strictly business...shopping for the girls and Vikings game for the boys. The silver lining of this traveling was this...pottery barn twice in one month. I now know what a kid in a candy store really feels like. I exhibited self control and only bought 2 things, a few cribsheets for Gavin and a Christmas gift for my favorite sister.

Next came Thanksgiving and a 20 month old who decided to boycott his nap for the day. We split the day in half with each family so needless to say there was too much going on for my little lamb to sleep. We tried multiple times to lay him down to no avail, he would sign and say "nigh-nigh all done, up!" with his chubby little outstretched arms and I couldn't say no. Seems brother is more extroverted than introverted and he is re-energized with being around people. I am loving his blooming personality and vocabulary. He is learning and using new words daily, common ones are "All done, mom-mom-show" (Translated: Mommy is all done with her shower) "May pot all done" (Translated: Maya (our dog) is done doing her business outside (or on the bathroom rug) which is neither here nor there. Have I mentioned how much I love her? A personal favorite of mine is Gavin running up to me with a book in his hand "Mom-mom siiit" (Translated: Mommy sit down so I can sit on your lap and you can read to me) Every morning I wake up to a very happy Gavin yelling "Moooommm!!!" from his crib. If Brady is already at work he always says "Daddy hwuck bye-bye?" (Translated: Did Daddy leave for work in his truck already?" Turns out Gavin may be a dentist as he is ub-sessed with brushing his teeth. I think we at least do it 4 times a day. He will find me in our bathroom and get up on his little step stool and repeat over and over "Mom-Mom bruuussshh please" The newest word he learned came this morning as he woke up 20 minutes earlier than normal so I decided to go in and rock him for awhile and he was humming and singing some and all the sudden looked at me and said "Mom-Mom WHAT??" and just died laughing. I had no idea a little one saying "what" could be so hilarious. He enunciates it with perfection and seems to use it correctly. Another common word is "Tuu" (Transalted: Thank-you)

One more adorable story - we went shopping to Hy Vee and they now have these little green carts meant for kids to push and since we were both there we let Gavin go ahead with it. He followed us so well, said hi to everyone he met, and kept his cart empty until aisle 2. "Choo-choo num nums hwacks!!!" (Thomas the Train fruit snacks)(duh!) He then proceded to pile not one but six boxes of fruit snacks in his cart and went on his merry little way. Too hilarious.

The end of the month has left me trying to decorate for Christmas. As if it isn't enough to move right before the holidays and try to have some "regular" decorations out. If I'm honest this really got me stressed. We decided to sell our Christmas tree and decor before moving and I really regret the decision. While it sounded nice to "start over since our tree was too big" I now have this big bare empty spot in our living room that is screaming to have a luscious tree there. Problem is I'm too dutch to pay full price for a new one along with lights and ornaments. So it looks like our first Christmas here will be without a tree unless there is some divine intervention or we decide to go with a real one. I am okay with this though, I will be gracious towards myself in this regard. We will still have a very meaningful Christmas with or without a tree.

December is looking to be slightly more kind as we have two weekends open so far. My prayer is that we will make time to bask in the wonder of the birth of our King. Happy December everyone.

Day 6

Today (and everyday) I'm thankful for my 20 month old son Gavin. He is the most adorable, full of life, friendly, strong willed, hilarious, observant, stubborn, and dramatic little boy that I've ever loved. And those eyes, they pierce straight through to my soul everytime. Thank you God for entrusting His life to me.

Day 2 & 3 of thanks

I'm combining a few days here and cutting my self some slack since we did just move. Today I'm thankful that in a month and a half we will be celebrating the birth of our Saviour, Jesus Christ. He is the reason for the season. And I'm also thankful for getting to decorate a new home.

Thirty Days of Thanks

Today I'm thankful for this little creative space in my life. I am more than happy with the finished custom project "The Seventh Sparrow" made for me. My favorite part is that this little ensamble is unique...don't go looking at your local Target for this diamond in the rough, you won't find her. I'm also grinning from ear to ear that our 6+ month "no-internet-at-home" fast is complete. I'm back online and ready to get my blog on.

answering the call

Last night while the rest of my house was in a silent slumber and my eyes weren't quite ready to shut for the night, I again felt God leading me to do something that I feel so ill-equipped to conquer. It feels easier to talk myself out of it and not even entertain the idea. I feel like saying "not now God, I can't do this" Have you ever felt uncertain in where God was leading you only to continually day after day feel lead in more and more ways towards this specific direction despite your (futile) effort to just plain run in the other direction? I guess you could say that's the boat I'm paddling in right now. Heck my boats probably spinning in circles.

I've even put off writing this specific post for over a month. I've shared the idea with 2 people. That's it. I shared the idea with a friend thinking (read:hoping) she would for sure agree with my efforts to run, while telling me, that-is-way-too-big-of-a-bite-to-chew. Hah, quite the opposite actually. She encouraged me, told me no sense running. So here I am. Trying to make some sense of all this.

I will start by saying that I don't believe in chance. I truly believe life experiences do not happen randomly, especially the hard life experiences we endure. I believe they come with great purpose and while we certainly don't understand them at the time, God intends for us to learn from these times. God wants us to help others should they find themselves in a similar situation feeling alone.

If you're still reading, thank-you. I will stop beating around the bush and let you know that what I am feeling called to do is...

write a book.

(more specifically write a memoir about my experience with postpartum depression)

Even typing those mere words puts me into a hypertensive state. Thoughts run through my head such as "I'm a nurse, not an author" "I've never even taken one writing class" "I could never get a publisher" "Why would I want to relieve in detail the absolute hardest (yet most defining) time of my life" "No one would pay real money to read it" "I cannot balance being a Mom, wife, part time nurse and add in writing a book" And the most influential I can't do this thought would be "Someday Gavin will be old enough to read this book, would he think less of me as his mother knowing the battle that waged after he was born"?

Doubts, doubts, doubts.

Despite stubborn doubts that pop up to the surface of my mind, there are also times of peace. Times when potential book titles pop into my head and I have no explanation as to where they came from other than from the Father himself. Times during prayer when I feel Him speak to me saying you don't have to have this all figured out, you never will, but I know what I'm calling you to do. I'm beginning to realize that this doesn't have to have a timeline on it. God doesn't call people to certain tasks and give them deadlines, at least I don't feel that way. That being said this may be something I do in the near future, or the not so near future but I'm coming to accept that I will follow God's lead and with His divine help, I will do it.

that's why i pray

To my sweet baby boy,

Tonight you let me rock you to sleep and we shared a precious moment in time I won’t soon forget. It was a moment that you and I were gazing into each other’s eyes, your hair still damp from your bath and your lips tug-tugging at your pacifier. I swear I could see right into your soul. There were lots of squeaky wheels begging for oil tonight. Squeaky wheels that included toys strewn across your nursery (read the entire house). A hamper overflowing with stinky clothes. Crusted dishes occupying our sterile white counter pleading for a good soaking. 

Well tonight you trumped them all after your bath as you brought me your blankie, pointed and said “ahh-ci” (paci) and excitedly replied “yeah!” when I asked you if you wanted Mamma to rock you. No, indeed tonight the squeaky wheels didn’t get the oil, the quiet, snuggly, buttermilk smelling toddler in striped pajamas got it. You see little one, the messes can always wait. The messes mean we played hard with all of your toys. The messes also mean we have full tummies and lots of energy. The messes can always wait and to me are proof that as your Mom I’m a rockstar. 

Before you came along Mommy struggled with perfection and image. But because of you, Mommy has learned to lay those expectations down and focus on what truly matters, raising you. There will come a time (albeit way too soon) when you are going to grow up and the snuggly nights of rocking my sweet honey smelling little boy will be just that, memories. Yes, they will be grand memories and that’s why I will always take the time to make those memories. I know it will mean so much more to you to have a Mom who is really present and there during your life rather than a Mom who is scurrying around whisper yelling at you to stop making a mess. 

Messes are always welcome here, you are always welcome here.

Like the term bittersweet, sometimes life’s greatest, most anticipated arrivals come paired with unexpected and unwelcome pain. We all as humans have struggles as we have to deal with living in a fallen world; I treaded the deep murky waters of post partum depression desperately begging for God to throw me a lifeline. 

I suppose it’s no mother’s wish to say she spent her first months with her newborn in agony, but I would be lying if I said otherwise. I can remember feeling so impatient, angry, and just plain jipped that I was having to deal with such an ugly struggle. After all I didn’t even really know what I was so sad about, why when I looked into my newborns eyes I felt nothing but emptiness. Why I had such a hard time letting my guard down to let the feelings of love naturally penetrate my heart after losing our first baby to miscarriage and then walking alongside my brother and sister in law and holding their precious stillborn son Jude on top of my somersaulting 26 week pregnant belly wondering why this was all happening. Could this truly be God’s plan? I was literally rocked to my absolute core. 

I specifically remember putting away my maternity clothes, the clothes I felt the most beautiful in, downstairs in a closet while my stomach uncontrollably lurched wanting nothing more than to go back, and don those damn clothes just to be able to feel something, anything for any amount of time. I traveled down a deep, dark pit occupied with lurking street names that included, apathy, inability to connect, pain, extreme sadness, guilt, numbness, and insomnia. It seemed wherever I turned came a new unwanted path that was so far from what I was expecting. I wanted to run and many times I tried only to find an even worse place. I prayed I would "wake up" to realize it was only a bad dream. It seemed that once I entered that dark pit I was held captive against my own will.

“You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy” Psalm 31:11

 

“He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God” Psalm 40: 2-3

It’s said hind sight is 20/20, well maybe 20/30 but regardless it’s easier to make sense of things looking back. I did end up kicking postpartum depression back where it belonged, to the curb after a 3-4 month battle thanks to God, family, friends and progesterone injections . God never left my side (even though I was convinced otherwise)And maybe, just maybe because of the deep struggle I faced, I’ve learned to truly bask in the happiness I now feel because in the beginning of my journey learning to be a Mamma I certainly felt otherwise.

{A very welcome side note; by nothing less than divine intervention, I was led to this blog and found someone who shared my struggles with PPD and truly “got it”. Praise be to God she just had her second baby and has been spared from experiencing PPD again, in place of it she’s experiencing joy and loving the newborn stage. Thank-you for giving me hope for the future Kara}