Matters of the Heart

"Because of the Lord's great love, we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness"

Lamentations 3:22-23

It has been 5 months since I've blogged. My entire life has changed in those 5 months and today I am in a beautiful place in my life. I'm a Mom to a very precious baby boy.

Along with major change in my life has come struggle. I've fought writing this entry as it would be easier not to share, but God continues to lay it on my heart that I need to share.

Obey first, understand later.

So today I am going to obey and share. Share the joys of new life along with the sharing the hardest thing I have ever endured...postpartum depression.

I have never felt more beautiful or filled with joy than when I was pregnant with Gavin. Life.Was.Beautiful. Brady and I were scheduled to have our second session of maternity pictures taken Saturday March 5. I had just been taken off bedrest a few days before. God had different plans as I woke up that morning and was getting ready for the day and my water broke. Minutes later contractions began to pick up and we were headed off to the hospital to have our baby boy.

My labor and delivery experience was about as "textbook" as they come. After a short 7 hours of labor and a very short 12 minutes of pushing (yes ladies be jealous!), we welcomed this sweet guy into our lives at 4:42pm.

Gavin Andrew Kroeze

7lb 9oz. 21 in.

Perfect.

And look at all that hair, I would say the 9 months of heartburn was WELL worth it :)

5 hours after delivery I had some complications with loosing too much blood and passing out. I was pumped full of fluids, medications, and got 2 units to replace what I lost. That first night was rough as I wasn't allowed to get out of bed and felt very weak.

We had a relatively normal postpartum stay other than Gavin developing some jaundice and having to be under the bili lights. When we were discharged home he used a bili "blanket" aka a hard wooden paddle with a short tube and noisy machine hooked up to it.

The first overwhelming feeling came during our second night in the hospital. It was 2 am and the nurse wheeled in a screaming and hungry little Gavin and I attempted to soothe and feed him and had no luck. I can remember thinking to myself, I have taught new Mom's how to breastfeed, why am I struggling with it so much?

I spiraled down into a very deep, debilitating depression when Gavin was 1 week old. Before this I had experienced a bad day on occassion but nothing compared to the acute depression I felt at that time. I felt overwhelmed, inadequate, and undeserving of a healthy baby. I had no desire to do anything and cried almost constantly at times. The depression clouded every aspect of my life and I couldn't escape from it. At times I didn't know how I would make it through. I read and re-read scripture passages trying to make sense of the hell I was experiencing. I cried out to God to take this awful feeling away. I thought this is supposed to be the happiest time in a person's life, why am I crying more than my baby?

During the hardest days of my entire life I was carried. Carried by my husband who really meant it when he vowed to me 3 years before that he would be there "through good times and bad, in sickness and in health" He saw me at my complete and utter worst and loved me more because of it. I have tears in my eyes just typing those words. I can never fully explain how encouraging, understanding, and loving he was toward me when it would have been a lot easier not to be. I can remember watching him with Gavin, he was such a natural, you could see the bond they had immediately.

Carried by my Dad who had personally dealt with depression years ago and understood how best to help.

Carried by my sister who was also transitioning to being a "new Mom" and was always willing to drop everything and come sit and talk with me.

Carried by my own Mom who taught me what it means to be a great Mom and who stepped up to the plate to help care for Gavin when I wasn't feeling 100%.

Carried by my sister and brother in law who showed me by example what it means to live out faith and trust God always, even when we don't understand.

Carried by my mother and father in law who prayed without ceasing.

Carried by my beautiful baby boy Gavin who gave me reason to wake up each morning.
Carried by my best friend who is thousands of miles away but kept close through phone calls and emails offering me support.

Carried by co-workers who had also experienced post partum depression and promised me "it will get better, I am here for you always"

Carried by friends, and fellow church members who sent cards, dropped off food, and were always willing to talk.

Above all I was carried by God. I can remember thinking so many times "I don't want to go through post partum depression God, I don't want to be one of those people" Turns out we can't choose what struggles we go through in life but we can choose how we respond to them. I choose to share my story and trust that by sharing God will work through me.

Turns out God doesn't want us to "go it alone" Lesson learned. I have never been shown such love by people and could type until my fingers fell off giving specific examples.

God has answered my prayers and today I'm in a much better place and am LOVING being a Mommy. I see life with a new set of eyes and have learned what it means to live out my faith and trust God always.