Balancing Act

Today I came home with a little heartache. An ache over the fact that I'm back at work full time and don't get to spend every waking moment with my Gavin. A part of that aching stems from me feeling bummed I didn't exactly enjoy my 10 week maternity leave given the fact I was battling a depression so deep I didn't know up from down. Mulligan please?! Now I know it would be full of smiling, laughing, and plain loving instead of all those damn tears and feelings of worthlessness.

Don't get me wrong here. Gavin is in good hands when I am at work and we are blessed spoiled that both of his Grandma's watch him one day a week. And Kristin his daycare provider loves him like her own. Not to mention I get every Tuesday off to spend with him. Not many kids get the quality care he receives. It's not that, it's just I miss him terribly when I am at work. I find my thoughts drifting to him and wondering if it's nap time for him or if he's hungry and if he is I want to cuddle my little bug and feed him. He holds onto Mamma's pinky finger and I get lost in those baby blues every time I feed him.

I was talking with a dear friend at work the other day and we discussed how maybe, just maybe Mamma's were meant to stay home. Slower pace of life. Time to care for our littles and just be. Maybe even keep a tidy house and make a delicious meal more than once a week. Call me nostalgic, I don't care.

Then we also got to talking about how we really do love our careers as well. One of my passions in life is being a nurse. I work alongside of some of the most compassionate, smart, caring, and downright hilarious people. They are like family to me. I love that my job allows me to advise people on many different paths of life, from the new Mamma with questions about her littles all the way to helping the elderly make sense of "all these dang pills!"I breathe variety inside those clinic doors. I feel accomplished there, needed. I work alongside of family practice physicians that are top of the line and take pride in their work.

But I love my "career" as a Mamma more. I love figuring out what all Gavin's little coes mean and getting him to smile and laugh. I feel accomplished when I get him down for a nap, when I make him laugh, or when someone else is holding him and I see him arching his head and neck looking all around for me... his Mamma. I love that I feel a bond so strong to him that there literally isn't anything I wouldn't do for that little bug.

One word comes to my mind over and over.

Balance.

Webster neatly describes balance as an aesthetically pleasing integration of elements; mental and emotional steadiness.

So balance is what I'll strive for. While registered nurse is one of my titles, I do not consider it my most dignified title, wife & mother are. I pray my life reflects this.