Drumroll Please...

While I had intentions of a long-winded, full of detail post...a picture and a few words will have to suffice. We have surrendered to the stomach flu in our house and have one sick little boy who will not eat. Seems my time has been taken up cleaning up vomit, diarrhea and trying to treat a mean diaper rash. The true love of a mother shines when her little is sick.

Christmas was especially joyous for us this year as we had a big secret to share. I will let the picture do the talking.

That's right, our little 22 month old Gavin is going to be a BIG BROTHER this summer. We feel so incredibly blessed by God with the timing of this pregnancy and that He would choose us to bring another precious baby into this world. We worked hard to "hide" our secret for around 7 weeks as Christmas seemed like the perfect time to announce our news. Our hearts are overflowing with joy and anticipation and I'm finding out it's true that a pregnant belly "pops" sooner the second time around :)

a christmas with no tree

November has left me harried. I peeked back at the two pages that represented the month while holding my breath thankful that I came out alive. There were a whole three boxes that were blank. That means 27 of the remaining boxes were chock full. The month started out with a bang as we uprooted our first home of 4 years and moved to our dream forever home; a homey updated multi level sitting on 1.5 acres with a fenced in back yard and pasture. I can still remember walking through it during the open house and only minutes after setting foot here I tapped Brady and whispered to him "I'm not sure how this is all going to pan out, but one thing I  know is this is home" Fast forward a few busy/exciting/stressfull months and we are now here and getting settled. 

I am a homebody. I'm not sure when this started, but I love to be home. I would say I'm 70% introverted and 30% extroverted. Don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those wierd people who never likes to leave, I just love to be in my own element (while wearing yoga pants and t-shirts) November had us make the 4 hour (painful) drive to Minneapolis not once, but twice. The latter trip being for a cirque de soleil concert with family. The first trip was strictly business...shopping for the girls and Vikings game for the boys. The silver lining of this traveling was this...pottery barn twice in one month. I now know what a kid in a candy store really feels like. I exhibited self control and only bought 2 things, a few cribsheets for Gavin and a Christmas gift for my favorite sister.

Next came Thanksgiving and a 20 month old who decided to boycott his nap for the day. We split the day in half with each family so needless to say there was too much going on for my little lamb to sleep. We tried multiple times to lay him down to no avail, he would sign and say "nigh-nigh all done, up!" with his chubby little outstretched arms and I couldn't say no. Seems brother is more extroverted than introverted and he is re-energized with being around people. I am loving his blooming personality and vocabulary. He is learning and using new words daily, common ones are "All done, mom-mom-show" (Translated: Mommy is all done with her shower) "May pot all done" (Translated: Maya (our dog) is done doing her business outside (or on the bathroom rug) which is neither here nor there. Have I mentioned how much I love her? A personal favorite of mine is Gavin running up to me with a book in his hand "Mom-mom siiit" (Translated: Mommy sit down so I can sit on your lap and you can read to me) Every morning I wake up to a very happy Gavin yelling "Moooommm!!!" from his crib. If Brady is already at work he always says "Daddy hwuck bye-bye?" (Translated: Did Daddy leave for work in his truck already?" Turns out Gavin may be a dentist as he is ub-sessed with brushing his teeth. I think we at least do it 4 times a day. He will find me in our bathroom and get up on his little step stool and repeat over and over "Mom-Mom bruuussshh please" The newest word he learned came this morning as he woke up 20 minutes earlier than normal so I decided to go in and rock him for awhile and he was humming and singing some and all the sudden looked at me and said "Mom-Mom WHAT??" and just died laughing. I had no idea a little one saying "what" could be so hilarious. He enunciates it with perfection and seems to use it correctly. Another common word is "Tuu" (Transalted: Thank-you)

One more adorable story - we went shopping to Hy Vee and they now have these little green carts meant for kids to push and since we were both there we let Gavin go ahead with it. He followed us so well, said hi to everyone he met, and kept his cart empty until aisle 2. "Choo-choo num nums hwacks!!!" (Thomas the Train fruit snacks)(duh!) He then proceded to pile not one but six boxes of fruit snacks in his cart and went on his merry little way. Too hilarious.

The end of the month has left me trying to decorate for Christmas. As if it isn't enough to move right before the holidays and try to have some "regular" decorations out. If I'm honest this really got me stressed. We decided to sell our Christmas tree and decor before moving and I really regret the decision. While it sounded nice to "start over since our tree was too big" I now have this big bare empty spot in our living room that is screaming to have a luscious tree there. Problem is I'm too dutch to pay full price for a new one along with lights and ornaments. So it looks like our first Christmas here will be without a tree unless there is some divine intervention or we decide to go with a real one. I am okay with this though, I will be gracious towards myself in this regard. We will still have a very meaningful Christmas with or without a tree.

December is looking to be slightly more kind as we have two weekends open so far. My prayer is that we will make time to bask in the wonder of the birth of our King. Happy December everyone.

Day 6

Today (and everyday) I'm thankful for my 20 month old son Gavin. He is the most adorable, full of life, friendly, strong willed, hilarious, observant, stubborn, and dramatic little boy that I've ever loved. And those eyes, they pierce straight through to my soul everytime. Thank you God for entrusting His life to me.

Day 2 & 3 of thanks

I'm combining a few days here and cutting my self some slack since we did just move. Today I'm thankful that in a month and a half we will be celebrating the birth of our Saviour, Jesus Christ. He is the reason for the season. And I'm also thankful for getting to decorate a new home.

Thirty Days of Thanks

Today I'm thankful for this little creative space in my life. I am more than happy with the finished custom project "The Seventh Sparrow" made for me. My favorite part is that this little ensamble is unique...don't go looking at your local Target for this diamond in the rough, you won't find her. I'm also grinning from ear to ear that our 6+ month "no-internet-at-home" fast is complete. I'm back online and ready to get my blog on.

answering the call

Last night while the rest of my house was in a silent slumber and my eyes weren't quite ready to shut for the night, I again felt God leading me to do something that I feel so ill-equipped to conquer. It feels easier to talk myself out of it and not even entertain the idea. I feel like saying "not now God, I can't do this" Have you ever felt uncertain in where God was leading you only to continually day after day feel lead in more and more ways towards this specific direction despite your (futile) effort to just plain run in the other direction? I guess you could say that's the boat I'm paddling in right now. Heck my boats probably spinning in circles.

I've even put off writing this specific post for over a month. I've shared the idea with 2 people. That's it. I shared the idea with a friend thinking (read:hoping) she would for sure agree with my efforts to run, while telling me, that-is-way-too-big-of-a-bite-to-chew. Hah, quite the opposite actually. She encouraged me, told me no sense running. So here I am. Trying to make some sense of all this.

I will start by saying that I don't believe in chance. I truly believe life experiences do not happen randomly, especially the hard life experiences we endure. I believe they come with great purpose and while we certainly don't understand them at the time, God intends for us to learn from these times. God wants us to help others should they find themselves in a similar situation feeling alone.

If you're still reading, thank-you. I will stop beating around the bush and let you know that what I am feeling called to do is...

write a book.

(more specifically write a memoir about my experience with postpartum depression)

Even typing those mere words puts me into a hypertensive state. Thoughts run through my head such as "I'm a nurse, not an author" "I've never even taken one writing class" "I could never get a publisher" "Why would I want to relieve in detail the absolute hardest (yet most defining) time of my life" "No one would pay real money to read it" "I cannot balance being a Mom, wife, part time nurse and add in writing a book" And the most influential I can't do this thought would be "Someday Gavin will be old enough to read this book, would he think less of me as his mother knowing the battle that waged after he was born"?

Doubts, doubts, doubts.

Despite stubborn doubts that pop up to the surface of my mind, there are also times of peace. Times when potential book titles pop into my head and I have no explanation as to where they came from other than from the Father himself. Times during prayer when I feel Him speak to me saying you don't have to have this all figured out, you never will, but I know what I'm calling you to do. I'm beginning to realize that this doesn't have to have a timeline on it. God doesn't call people to certain tasks and give them deadlines, at least I don't feel that way. That being said this may be something I do in the near future, or the not so near future but I'm coming to accept that I will follow God's lead and with His divine help, I will do it.

that's why i pray

To my sweet baby boy,

Tonight you let me rock you to sleep and we shared a precious moment in time I won’t soon forget. It was a moment that you and I were gazing into each other’s eyes, your hair still damp from your bath and your lips tug-tugging at your pacifier. I swear I could see right into your soul. There were lots of squeaky wheels begging for oil tonight. Squeaky wheels that included toys strewn across your nursery (read the entire house). A hamper overflowing with stinky clothes. Crusted dishes occupying our sterile white counter pleading for a good soaking. 

Well tonight you trumped them all after your bath as you brought me your blankie, pointed and said “ahh-ci” (paci) and excitedly replied “yeah!” when I asked you if you wanted Mamma to rock you. No, indeed tonight the squeaky wheels didn’t get the oil, the quiet, snuggly, buttermilk smelling toddler in striped pajamas got it. You see little one, the messes can always wait. The messes mean we played hard with all of your toys. The messes also mean we have full tummies and lots of energy. The messes can always wait and to me are proof that as your Mom I’m a rockstar. 

Before you came along Mommy struggled with perfection and image. But because of you, Mommy has learned to lay those expectations down and focus on what truly matters, raising you. There will come a time (albeit way too soon) when you are going to grow up and the snuggly nights of rocking my sweet honey smelling little boy will be just that, memories. Yes, they will be grand memories and that’s why I will always take the time to make those memories. I know it will mean so much more to you to have a Mom who is really present and there during your life rather than a Mom who is scurrying around whisper yelling at you to stop making a mess. 

Messes are always welcome here, you are always welcome here.

Like the term bittersweet, sometimes life’s greatest, most anticipated arrivals come paired with unexpected and unwelcome pain. We all as humans have struggles as we have to deal with living in a fallen world; I treaded the deep murky waters of post partum depression desperately begging for God to throw me a lifeline. 

I suppose it’s no mother’s wish to say she spent her first months with her newborn in agony, but I would be lying if I said otherwise. I can remember feeling so impatient, angry, and just plain jipped that I was having to deal with such an ugly struggle. After all I didn’t even really know what I was so sad about, why when I looked into my newborns eyes I felt nothing but emptiness. Why I had such a hard time letting my guard down to let the feelings of love naturally penetrate my heart after losing our first baby to miscarriage and then walking alongside my brother and sister in law and holding their precious stillborn son Jude on top of my somersaulting 26 week pregnant belly wondering why this was all happening. Could this truly be God’s plan? I was literally rocked to my absolute core. 

I specifically remember putting away my maternity clothes, the clothes I felt the most beautiful in, downstairs in a closet while my stomach uncontrollably lurched wanting nothing more than to go back, and don those damn clothes just to be able to feel something, anything for any amount of time. I traveled down a deep, dark pit occupied with lurking street names that included, apathy, inability to connect, pain, extreme sadness, guilt, numbness, and insomnia. It seemed wherever I turned came a new unwanted path that was so far from what I was expecting. I wanted to run and many times I tried only to find an even worse place. I prayed I would "wake up" to realize it was only a bad dream. It seemed that once I entered that dark pit I was held captive against my own will.

“You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy” Psalm 31:11

 

“He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God” Psalm 40: 2-3

It’s said hind sight is 20/20, well maybe 20/30 but regardless it’s easier to make sense of things looking back. I did end up kicking postpartum depression back where it belonged, to the curb after a 3-4 month battle thanks to God, family, friends and progesterone injections . God never left my side (even though I was convinced otherwise)And maybe, just maybe because of the deep struggle I faced, I’ve learned to truly bask in the happiness I now feel because in the beginning of my journey learning to be a Mamma I certainly felt otherwise.

{A very welcome side note; by nothing less than divine intervention, I was led to this blog and found someone who shared my struggles with PPD and truly “got it”. Praise be to God she just had her second baby and has been spared from experiencing PPD again, in place of it she’s experiencing joy and loving the newborn stage. Thank-you for giving me hope for the future Kara}

A Day in the Life

{I'm stealing this idea from another one of the blogs I follow although I can't for the life of me remember which one it is. This post is a way to document (if you will) and remember this very busy stage we as Mamma's to little ones find ourselves in}

We will take today for example. It’s a Wednesday which means it’s a stay-at-home-day.

0730- Wake up to Gavin saying “hi!” Make Gavin breakfast, get him changed into his clothes for the day, change his diaper, comb him hair and brush his teeth. After getting him ready, attempt to get myself ready which today consisted of 5 minute shower (with a 1 ½ year old trying to climb in with me while screaming his head off), no makeup, a wet ponytail and yoga pants. Don’t I look pretty.

0830 – Gavin has now brought me 5 different pairs of shoes and is continually saying “outside” as I’m scurrying around trying to get our house in mint condition before the realtor comes to take pictures for the website (Have I mentioned we're moving?! Well, we are. God is so good and has answered our prayers as we found the perfect acreage outside of town. I am so excited for this new chapter in our lives. More on that fun topic later.

0900 – Playtime outside. Gavin and I play the “stop, go!” game.

1000 – The realtor is here. We sign papers to get our house listed while I’m still following around an F5 tornado (read Gavin) trying to preserve the neatness I just worked my ass off to achieve so the online pictures are presentable.

1100 – PLAYDATE WITH LAURA AND JACKSON!!! Did I mention that I’ve been looking forward to this for weeks? We go way, way back and are still such good friends. I seriously love this girl, and her new little baby. Apparently he felt very comfortable here because he was letting the farts fly – atta boy Jackson!

1200 – Had intentions of making a delicious home-made meal. Ordered Pizza Ranch. Life happens. Had dinner with the Mr, Laura, my sister, and my Mom (who were just as excited to meet little Jax as I was)

1245 – The F5 tornado is ready for a nap. PTL.

0100 – Long overdue girlfriend time and ahhing over sweet baby Jackson.

0330 – Gavin’s awake. Snack time. More playing.

0400 – Daddy is home early today from work since he has his last league session of the season.

0530 – Go drop the Mr off at the golf course since we’ve been down to one vehicle for the past month. I now understand why Gavin cries when I tell him he has to share with his friends. It sort of sucks. That is neither here nor there. Moving on.

0600 – Supper date at home with my little man. Menu is leftovers. Numma, numma.

0630 – Playdate with Cousin Carter (pronounced KAH-tur) and Auntie Lissa.

0700 – Bathtime, pajamas, story hour, and bedtime prayers.

0800 – Lights out (for Gavin)(Mommy wishes it was lights out for her too)(Time to tidy up again, tomorrow all the realtors walk through our house)

"our place"

If my heart and parenting were recently in a place of drought, consider it to have down-poured on my soul. Flooding rains which successfully filled my cup back up where it should be. I knew this vacation would rejuvanate me, but I didn't know how much.

Yankton is our place. Always has been. Always will be. We got engaged here on this very lake during a romantic evening boat ride. We announced our pregnancy with Gavin here. We hope to announce every child here. We may have even got the idea for the name Gavin from this very place.

Like it said, it's our place.

It's that serene place, chock full of childhood memories for me. It's the place I dream about Gavin having oodles of childhood memories as well. It's where one could likely find me if I ever run away (grin) We spent many a weekends camping here. We keep that tradition chugging along by having an annual vacation here with my immediate family as well. Gavin loved it. I thought he liked it last year (well I'm not really sure how I could tell since he was practically an infant yet) but he told me this year.

Many times I asked him "Gavin, do you love the Yankton?" To which my little ham replied "Yeaaa!!!" I've honestly never seen the kid happier. I guess that's expected when you stay in a house full of many of the people he loves most in his life. Every morning he would wake up and excitedly say "Papa!!!" and go to look for Grandpa. Turns out he's a lot like me in another way, he does much better in small groups of people and his true personality shines. I'm pretty sure his purpose on this life may just be to make people laugh, and tell them hello. He's one heck of a friendly greeter.

He turned over a new leaf with sharing toys with his cousin Carter. They also shared lots of hugs and kisses.

My typical-early-bird-gets-the-worm slept in one morning until 9:30 am. NINE-FREAKIN-THIRTY-PEOPLE. That's a world record for us. For that we will celebrate. I haven't felt more rested in 17 months.

Turns out the little lamb has been watching Mommy and Daddy during family devotions at meals as he has picked up on folding his hands to pray and anticipates the ending by shouting "aaaammeeenn" (In case your wondering the first time I saw it my eyes were wet while my heart was melting inside me)

Like I said, water to my dry lands.

The weather was honestly ideal. It was comfortable to be outside regardless of if we were swimming or not. We went on many bike rides with the littles in their bike carts enjoying some sugar on a stick (read: lots of suckers) to keep them occupied. We also spent lots of time at the beach getting sand in places it doesn't belong (Mammas included)(just kidding)(maybe) The park was another favorite. One of my personal favorites is the house we rented. It's cottagy and homey and it brings happiness to my soul to have all my family under one roof like the good ol' times. I'm not sure I can say the good ol' times yet, heck I'm still in my prime people.

"Papa farm" (as Gavin calls him) put it best during a prayer he graced us with one evening.

"God, thank you for these little happy, healthy boys as they're pretty much the joy of our lives"

To that I say, Amen. Thank you God for your many, many blessings from above.

Defeat

I sit here borderline teary eyed and it's only 7pm. When I started my blog I swore to myself that I would honestly reflect my life, the good, the bad, and the ugly. Not only fluffy posts. I swore this to myself because every person has real life struggles and feels defeated from time to time. Time to be very real with myself.

Today was one of those days. Not my day before my alarm clock went off.

I've been struggling with parenting lately. No one told me it was this hard or that it would take this much effort. Seem we have a very strong willed little boy on our hands. I admit I've found myself jealously gazing over at fellow mothers who's kids always seem to listen to them as I'm all arms chasing (while pitting out) mine down the hall for the 4,000th time at kindermusik telling him "Gavin we need to stay by the class, no more running away" only to have him look me in the face, scream no while laughing and slap me repeatedly across the face. Once again I calmly tell him "no" only for him to look at me again and scream in such an octave that one would swear 'nails on a chalkboard' was an exquisite piece written by Mozart himself. Don't believe me? Ask our fellow kindersmusik friends. Or should I say ex-friends?

And don't even get my started on the dog food, water, toilet paper roll, and trash. Why the child can't just leave them alone is beyond me. God knows it's not because I haven't made it completely clear and evident that they are off limits. I'm pretty sure you could find me reciting this very thing in my sleep. Limits are limits. Brother needs to learn. The rules will not be changing. I refuse to raise a brat. I have been patient. I have been very patient, to the point of real tears. Is there somewhere I can go for a patience transfusion because my levels are critically low.

God - did you mean to make him this strong willed because today I'm about at the end of my rope. I'm not able to get through to him with discipline. I feel like I've tried everything and the most frustrating part is that everyone else seems to have all the "answers"

"It's his age"

"It's just a stage"

"And to think you thought newborn age was hard"

"Consistency is key"

Don't get me wrong the above statements are true but what happened to just standing next to people who are honest and have real life struggles and telling them, "yes, it does really suck to have your own flesh and blood disobey you so often as well as slap you repeatedly across the face". Whatever happened to that kind of support?

I know this will pass. I know in a year (probably less) I will look back and wish these days on myself as I will be in a new boat battling new things. But I write to be real, to really remember how hard and sometimes unrewarding this job called "motherhood" can be. All of us mothers out there deserve a big fat raise. I think some of my most challenging days have come while I donned the Mommy hat and I wouldn't use the words routine, predictable, or uneventful to describe my career as a nurse. I've donned the ER hat, the medical surgical hat, the labor/delivery hat, the postpartum hat as well as the clinic hat. Like I said, we all deserve a big.fat.raise. 

The hard days are what make the good days so sweet and the obedience to rewarding when (if?) it actually does happen.

But today was not one of those days.

Not my day in the least.

Thank God for a husband who dove in head first when he got home so that I could go reclaim my sanity by pecking these black keys to death. Catharsis, anyone? (grin)

Seriously tho, thank God that His mercies are new every morning. I'm praying for grace like rain to fall on me now.

worry and a tongue laceration

"God tells us in His word that worry is a profitless activity. Worrying about our children may feel like a natural thing to do, but in reality it's sin. If we are constantly worrying about our kids, it's like saying to God "I know that you created the universe, but I'm not sure You know what's best for my children. So, I'll handle them, God." Michelle Medlock Adams

Sigh. That's what I just did after typing that and realizing I am "guilty as charged". Worry. We all struggle with it from time to time, don't we? I know I found myself in a half sinking boat of worry June 28, 2012. It was 9:00 am. I was at work in the middle of bringing a patient back to a room to get the usual, height-weight-bloodpressure-chief-complaint-allergies-medications-etc when my phone rang and the receptionist on the line said "Tina I have your husband on the line" My initial thought was "what's wrong?" however I remained calm and stated "You will have to let him know I am in a room right now but I will call him back as soon as I can" I quickly excused myself out of that little exam room and scurried down the hall while trying to quiet the thought that "Gavin fell" from popping up to the forefront of my mind. I found my cell phone with multiple missed calls from my Mom (who was watching Gavin) and my heart sank a little further and the thought "Gavin fell" stirred around ever more intensely in my mind.

I honestly don't remember who I called back first, Brady or my Mom but regardless I found out that indeed like my mind already knew, Gavin had fallen and he had bit through his tongue. I'm going to be honest here and say I didn't think it could be that bad, I was picturing little "teeth marks" on his tongue. I went and talked to a fellow nurse and we agreed that there's not much you do for a split tongue, it's in the mouth, it will heal on it's own, shouldn't need antibiotics because of the highly vascular nature of the tongue, etc.

That information was relayed to a teary-eyed Grandma who felt terrible but relieved that it would heal on its own. The day went on as normal and I checked my phone frequently and had a text from my Mom around 2:25 pm that read "call me when you can". I called and she informed me that she got a better look at his tongue and she used the words "gapping" and "seriously split in two pieces" and "I don't think when you see it for yourself you will agree it will heal on its own"

Oh joy.

I went and talked to our family physician (what a benefit to work shoulder to shoulder with such smart people) and relayed the info to him and he advised that Gavin should come to ER and they would more than likely have to "put him completely under to suture his tongue" Not exactly the response I was hoping for but none-the-less here we go.

Brady picked Gavin up from my Mom's and we met in the ER which is a short walk from the clinic I work in. I proceeded to ask Gavin "what does the puppy say?" knowing he would stick out his tongue and pant like a dog and I could see for myself how bad this little tongue of his looked.

I should have kept in my mind that no one ever said Motherhood is for the faint of heart. I can handle blood, germs, open wounds, etc as long as it's not on my own child. I serioulsy dry heaved when I saw it. The right side of his tongue looked like someone snipped it with a scissors, it had a 3/4inch gap in it and it really did flop around. The amazing thing here is that it didn't seem to bother Gavin much at all. He had eaten dinner normally, was drinking out of his sippy cup normally, was sucking on his pacifier normally and was literally bouncing off the walls in the ER. He obviously has my pain tolerance. Hah, wait, what? They let us leave for a little while and just let him run the halls to burn off energy.

The surgeon came and met with us and took one look and informed us that yes he was going to need to be put completely under and have it stitched up. There was no way to get an almost 16 month old to hold still enough to be able to suture it adequately while he was awake.

This is the part where my worry peaked. I like control and this whole situation was out of my control. I wanted to be able to explain to my little wide eyed wonder what was going on and why Mommy couldn't come back to that sterile room with him. I just wanted him in my arms where he belonged.

I won't soon forget the way it feels to hand off your baby to another nurse knowing in your heart that anesthesia and surgery comes with risks. There really is no such thing as "routine procedure" I felt like I had handed off my own heart along with my pride and joy. "Please take good care of him, he will want his blue blankie when he wakes up, if he's scared, please sing to him, it always calms him down" The nurse in me was thinking of complications such as malignant hyperthermia and hoping they had enough dantrolene on hand just in case. I was not in control but I know who was and I dare bet there were little guardian angels dancing around my sweet baby and he wasn't scared.

The whole procedure took a little over an hour and Brady and I spent time praying and pacing.

The surgeon came out to tell us how things went and informed us that he put 3 layers of dissolvable sutures in his tongue and he seems to be doing okay now, would we like to go back and see him?

Yes, I didn't think they would ever ask.

And there he was. My sleepy little Gav laying in a big-boy hospital bed on wheels wearing a patterned pediatric gown with an IV in one hand sporting a look of confusion on his face. I scooped him up in my arms and carried him, holding on extra tight, to our hospital room where he was going to recover completely. We had to fight coming out of anesthesia and there was a thirty-minute crying episode. He did eventually calm down and sign "more,please" when we fed him popsicle. Such a smart, brave, and silly boy.

While I know I won't ever be exempt from the worry I feel as a Mom, I am learning to channel that energy into something useful. Prayer. I tell myself often, if you have time to sit and worry about it, then you have time to sit and pray about it. I remind myself daily that there is no safter place for my child that in the will of the One who created him. What a mighty God we serve.

Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; He will never let the righteous be shaken. Psalm 55:22

Father's Day and Almost 4 Years

 I am going to be straight forward and honest here. I am biased. I am married to the best man who also happens to be an incredible father. 

To quote one of my favorite movies “I’m in love, I’m in love, and I don’t care who knows!” (Elf, anyone?)

While we were on the way home from our childless Colorado vacation the other day I jokingly said to my husband, you know it’s funny that we met and loved each other already in junior high. This comment was followed by me saying. God knew how indecisive we both are so He appropriately intervened by allowing us to find each other so early and literally grow up together.

#meetingyoursoulmateatagefourteen.

With up’s come down’s. It hasn’t been a fairy tale and I don’t pretend it has been. Anyone who is married knows it takes some serious work. We’ve weathered storms, and have experienced the wax and wane of love. We lost our first child to miscarriage at 12 weeks gestation. We’ve lost our precious nephew Jude to stillbirth while we were pregnant with Gavin. We battled post-partum depression. But the effort is oh so worth it. A God glorifying marriage in harmony is one of the most beautiful things to experience. I’m glad to say that the good, joyful moments in our marriage are the ones that really stick in my mind. 

My husband spoils me. He rubs my back almost every night. He makes me homemade breakfast with eggs just how I like them almost every weekend. He gets up in the middle of the night with Gavin. He helps me with housework (he is way better at folding clothes than I am) He worked his tail off studying for CPA boards and passed which in turn means I can work part time and spend more precious time being where my true passion lies, at home as a wife and mother. He tells me I am beautiful to him, even more so now that I am a Mamma to his sweet boy. Fatherhood came more naturally to him than motherhood initially did to me J I love watching him be Gavin’s Daddy, he is so proud, so in love. It’s so fun seeing what “traits” we’ve passed on to Gavin. He has his Daddy’s feet (mainly toes) and they have the same butt; juicy, plump and adorable. I’m probably going to get yelled at for that one later.

So happy father’s day babe. You are one heck of a father and Gavin is more than lucky to have you as a role model.  Sorry he can be kind of a spit fire sometimes, I have no clue where he inherited that trait from?!.

And happy 4^th wedding anniversary.

You are my rock.

My soul mate.

My best friend.

My truly way better half.

I wouldn’t want to grow old with anyone but you.

transformation

{The craziest yet most brilliant thing we’ve ever done}

The Mr and I joined forces and made a hard decision last week. That decision resulted in terminating our home phone line, internet connection, and TV. Let me clarify – we no longer get any channels on the old boob tube. No modern family, no grey’s anatomy, no private practice, no bachelorette (that one hurts) no golf, no ESPN, not even one fuzzy channel. Nada.

Crazy? Hmm, define crazy.

Liberating? For.100%.Sure

Let me start of by being clear when we say that this decision is not for everyone and we are not condemning anyone who has access to these “extras”. After all, we’ve been in our house for over 4 years and we have always had those pricey extras. It was really never a question. It was basically like, you buy groceries because you need to eat. You pay for electricity because you need heat/cooling systems. You pay your mortgage because you need a roof over your head. You pay for clothes because you need to not be naked in public (or at home for that matter) You pay your phone bill, internet bill, and cable/dvr bill because you need entertainment, or you need something to occupy idle time, or you need something to fill the silence in your day, or you need to be keeping tabs on what everyone else is up to. (thank you facebook for that last one)(my life is now complete knowing that so & so’s kid used the big boy potty today)(grin)

Romans 12:2 Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is – his good, pleasing, and perfect will.

Have you ever wondered what God’s will really is for you? The above states that the key that opens this door is a key that requires un-conforming. Quite frankly I’m sure God has been frustrated with me in this regard. I find myself praying prayers like “God lead me in the direction I should go or God show me what you want me to do and btw please hurry up because I need to go check my facebook, email, 23,498 blogs, and check my phone for new messages. The thought even once crossed my mind, I wish God had a blog or facebook, maybe then growing in Him would come a little easier. That last little bit is hard to admit and I feel full of shame even typing that. Wow had I completely missed the buck. Only now after making this decision do I feel like I’m starting to get it. Maybe others are better at setting limits for themselves, and not letting tv and internet connections take up unproductive hours of your day but for my husband and I this was a real struggle.

I started looking at this through a new set of eyes, through the eyes of my almost 15 month old. What were we teaching him by almost always having the tv on, or getting frustrated because he had gotten into something he shouldn’t have because we were in the other room on the computer? I knew my priorities needed a good nudge in the right direction.

Finances also played a role in our decision. Could we afford to pay the $130/month? Yes, easily but wasn’t it actually costing us more than mere money? We decided we would continue to set aside that amount of money each month but prayerfully consider what God would have us to do with it. That might sound ludacris to some and that’s okay with me because that is honestly what we felt the Spirit moving us to do.

We know in the grand scheme of things this is small. By cutting out $130/month we will not cure world hunger, but we are learning to listen to God’s whispers and live accordingly. These past days have been some of the best of my life, of course there have been moments when we’ve thought “what have we done?!”  But so far the good is outweighing the bad ten-fold. My husband put it perfectly when he said “my head feels so clear”. Amen buddy, so does mine. My Bible no longer has dust on it. I have freezer meals sitting in my freezer right now. Relationships seem smoother. I have time to pray, reflect, and listen to God. Suddenly Gavin isn’t throwing quite as many fits as he was previously. It is so true that kids just want your time and undivided attention. 

So does God.

{And for those of you who are wondering how I am blogging with no internet connection at home, the answer is the public library baby. I always knew I was a library geek at heart}