Defeat

I sit here borderline teary eyed and it's only 7pm. When I started my blog I swore to myself that I would honestly reflect my life, the good, the bad, and the ugly. Not only fluffy posts. I swore this to myself because every person has real life struggles and feels defeated from time to time. Time to be very real with myself.

Today was one of those days. Not my day before my alarm clock went off.

I've been struggling with parenting lately. No one told me it was this hard or that it would take this much effort. Seem we have a very strong willed little boy on our hands. I admit I've found myself jealously gazing over at fellow mothers who's kids always seem to listen to them as I'm all arms chasing (while pitting out) mine down the hall for the 4,000th time at kindermusik telling him "Gavin we need to stay by the class, no more running away" only to have him look me in the face, scream no while laughing and slap me repeatedly across the face. Once again I calmly tell him "no" only for him to look at me again and scream in such an octave that one would swear 'nails on a chalkboard' was an exquisite piece written by Mozart himself. Don't believe me? Ask our fellow kindersmusik friends. Or should I say ex-friends?

And don't even get my started on the dog food, water, toilet paper roll, and trash. Why the child can't just leave them alone is beyond me. God knows it's not because I haven't made it completely clear and evident that they are off limits. I'm pretty sure you could find me reciting this very thing in my sleep. Limits are limits. Brother needs to learn. The rules will not be changing. I refuse to raise a brat. I have been patient. I have been very patient, to the point of real tears. Is there somewhere I can go for a patience transfusion because my levels are critically low.

God - did you mean to make him this strong willed because today I'm about at the end of my rope. I'm not able to get through to him with discipline. I feel like I've tried everything and the most frustrating part is that everyone else seems to have all the "answers"

"It's his age"

"It's just a stage"

"And to think you thought newborn age was hard"

"Consistency is key"

Don't get me wrong the above statements are true but what happened to just standing next to people who are honest and have real life struggles and telling them, "yes, it does really suck to have your own flesh and blood disobey you so often as well as slap you repeatedly across the face". Whatever happened to that kind of support?

I know this will pass. I know in a year (probably less) I will look back and wish these days on myself as I will be in a new boat battling new things. But I write to be real, to really remember how hard and sometimes unrewarding this job called "motherhood" can be. All of us mothers out there deserve a big fat raise. I think some of my most challenging days have come while I donned the Mommy hat and I wouldn't use the words routine, predictable, or uneventful to describe my career as a nurse. I've donned the ER hat, the medical surgical hat, the labor/delivery hat, the postpartum hat as well as the clinic hat. Like I said, we all deserve a big.fat.raise. 

The hard days are what make the good days so sweet and the obedience to rewarding when (if?) it actually does happen.

But today was not one of those days.

Not my day in the least.

Thank God for a husband who dove in head first when he got home so that I could go reclaim my sanity by pecking these black keys to death. Catharsis, anyone? (grin)

Seriously tho, thank God that His mercies are new every morning. I'm praying for grace like rain to fall on me now.