I've even put off writing this specific post for over a month. I've shared the idea with 2 people. That's it. I shared the idea with a friend thinking (read:hoping) she would for sure agree with my efforts to run, while telling me, that-is-way-too-big-of-a-bite-to-chew. Hah, quite the opposite actually. She encouraged me, told me no sense running. So here I am. Trying to make some sense of all this.
I will start by saying that I don't believe in chance. I truly believe life experiences do not happen randomly, especially the hard life experiences we endure. I believe they come with great purpose and while we certainly don't understand them at the time, God intends for us to learn from these times. God wants us to help others should they find themselves in a similar situation feeling alone.
If you're still reading, thank-you. I will stop beating around the bush and let you know that what I am feeling called to do is...
write a book.
(more specifically write a memoir about my experience with postpartum depression)
Even typing those mere words puts me into a hypertensive state. Thoughts run through my head such as "I'm a nurse, not an author" "I've never even taken one writing class" "I could never get a publisher" "Why would I want to relieve in detail the absolute hardest (yet most defining) time of my life" "No one would pay real money to read it" "I cannot balance being a Mom, wife, part time nurse and add in writing a book" And the most influential I can't do this thought would be "Someday Gavin will be old enough to read this book, would he think less of me as his mother knowing the battle that waged after he was born"?
Doubts, doubts, doubts.
Despite stubborn doubts that pop up to the surface of my mind, there are also times of peace. Times when potential book titles pop into my head and I have no explanation as to where they came from other than from the Father himself. Times during prayer when I feel Him speak to me saying you don't have to have this all figured out, you never will, but I know what I'm calling you to do. I'm beginning to realize that this doesn't have to have a timeline on it. God doesn't call people to certain tasks and give them deadlines, at least I don't feel that way. That being said this may be something I do in the near future, or the not so near future but I'm coming to accept that I will follow God's lead and with His divine help, I will do it.
