tempting

But no thankyou. BTW who are the knuckleheads who are sending me messages and friend requests...i'm on a fast here people. And that 332 photo tags better be a mistake. The Mr asked me last nite

"Do you want me to log into your facebook and check it and tell you?"

Thanks for the offer babe, but no. That would be no different than me signing in myself...and that's against the media fast rules.

Reflections

It's been almost one year ago that my entire life changed. Gavin Andrew graced our lives March 5 at exactly 4:42pm after a very short labor and delivery, making his debut 3 weeks early. 7lbs 9 oz, 21 inches long. Jet black hair that covered the tops of his ears. 100% beautiful and perfect.

I will never forget the way I felt when I saw him for the first time, the way his teary eyed Daddy beamed with pride over his boy. The way my heart loved instantly and completely the second I heard his cry and saw his adorable furrowed brow that seemed to say "put me back where i came from please" I will never forget the way he calmed instantly when they placed him on my chest. His little eyes squinted while looking up at me, his very own Mamma. We had 'known' each other already since we did share a body for the past 9+ months but oh to see each other for the first time. A sacred memory to my heart.

With incredible joy also came incredible sadness as I trudged through post partum depression. When I look back to those darkest of days I remember being upheld by those who love me most. Upheld at a time in my life when I was too weak to help myself. I had expected perfection of myself and well, to be honest, this was my first rodeo. I was bucked off that damn bull more than once and did lay down in that mud sulking at times while thinking to myself "I can't do this, I am so undeserving of a healthy perfect baby" Truth is I was so afraid to love because I was so afraid to loose. But then one day I realized I had sat in that shit for far too long and it was not for me. Time to stand up (with the help of others, because you don't have to go this alone) brush the dirt off my ass, one foot in the sadle, swing the other leg around and get back on that bull baby. Truth is I've been on this bull for longer than 8 seconds, that whistle has blown but now I'm having so much fun riding I think I will just stay on.

How's that for a new inner strength?

If I could go back and talk to that completely broken and overwhelmed Tina, what would I tell her? I would tell her that God is there always, even though she feels completely forsaken. I would remind her she married her best friend and his loyalty, patience, and understanding are nothing short of a miracle, maybe God gave him those exact qualities for this very specific reason. I would remind her to let people in, always...they want to help. I would tell her that her very own Mom and Sister would teach her how to be a Mom and that her Dad would have great insight for her.

I would tell her that going through this is going to shape her and mold her into the exact nurse God intended her to be. I would tell her she would be amazed at the number of patients she will impact who are going through the same thing. I would tell her she will share hugs with them, and will also share tears with them. I would tell her she would be their hope. I would promise her that she will feel a bond so strong to Gavin that there literally isn't anything she wouldn't do for him. I would inform her that a day would come where she enjoyed waking up at 7am because her alarm clock was now her sweet baby boy. I would laugh with her and tell her that a day will come when the tears will stop and in there place will be laughing (while more than likely peeing a little thanks to a natural birth)and dancing around with her baby on her hip.

Most importantly I would tell her that it will all be worth it, God had a very specific plan and although it wasn't her plan of how things should go, it will all work out.

It was as though I had planned my postpartum to be like a vacation. (Naive anyone? Go ahead and laugh) The destination was Hawaii. I was completely ready and had packed my swim suit, sunscreen, and summer clothes only to find out my plane was actually headed for and landing in Alaska. No time to go home and re-pack. Suddenly I was completely unprepared and surrounded by unfamiliarity. Tempting as it was to give up all hope, I didn't. Thank God that those who loved me rallied all around lending me their warmer clothes, coats, hats, mittens and snow boots. Suddenly I realized that while I was expecting beautiful oceans and sunsets, the snow and mountains were just as beautiful.

Different and unexpected? Yes... but perfectly beautiful all the same.

toothless grins

that's right. 4 3/4 teeth. because every little part of teething counts and brother has some more white peeking through his swollen gums. can i add that he looks ADORABLE with that little space.
you just keep smiling like that whenever you want sweet boy. you are too handsome.

gavin wanted me to tell you all that he got the deluxe hair styling before church this morning. it was complete with a blow dryer last night after bathtime, paul mitchell quick slip this morning a quick shot of mommy's 'big sexy hair' hairspray and some rolling of the eyes from the Mr... turns out his hair will lay flat... making him look even older.

we celebrate "1" in eight short days.

{excuse me while i go hunt for that elusive pause button}

{grin}

"the language of friendship

is not words but meanings"

Henry David Thoreau

it's quite simple actually - we go way back and i have a feeling we will go way forward too. i'm so thankful to call her my friend. she's one in a million, seriously. you can check her out here.

crafternoon, crock pot chicken,

{and a crazy play date}

today has been so good to me. i'm reminded that this precious time continues to fly as these cousins (who are 10 days apart) are in to EVERYTHING.
they are almost one you know.
carter has the cutest drunk baby walk and gav now speed crawls. pause please?
so cute, so naughty.
so fun, so exhausting.

a good day always includes some crafting while the little rests his eyes. he was generous and took a 1 hr morning nap so mamma made 2 cards. both have the same color scheme (crumble cake, poppy parade & peach parfait)

a good day also includes supper being in the crock pot at noon. this is a delicious and simple recipe. please do try it.

Crock Pot Chicken

4-6 chicken breasts

Italian dressing (light)

1 can cream of chicken soup

1 cup chicken broth

8 oz cream cheese (yum!)

1/2 tsp basil

1/2 tsp thyme

salt and pepper to taste

place chicken breasts in crock pot and pour italian dressing over them until chicken is covered. cook chicken for 4-6 hrs. drain juices. combine the soup, broth, cream cheese, basil, thyme, salt and pepper. pour over chicken. cook 1 more hour in crock pot. serve on a bed of noodles.

photo fix

i bet you were wondering if my rebel broke...

don't worry, she's still going strong

here's the hard proof.

endure

dear beginning days of media fast,

you have reminded me of the first 1/2 mile of a run. you have been slow, painful, agonizing, and thought provoking. i will endure you because i know that after your hell comes the glorious runner's high. i don't doubt that God has something pretty good up His sleeve here. i will remain strong putting one tired foot in front of the other figthing off temptation while learning valuable lessons.

*for the record - facebook emailed me today informing me i have one message and 13 notifications pending.

pish, posh facebook... you no longer own me. in fact i don't really even care about you anymore. we are so breaking up for good.

{this is so liberating}

on seven

{possibly the worst idea ever}

laura - "want to know what just came out of my mouth to my husband...this is the last time i'm ever going to do something good. not even kidding i got real pissed"

me - "we are so dumb for doing this. i was trying to have a nice meal with my husband and ordered a strawberry dauquiri which tasted like straight rum and my 11 month old threw a holy tantrum and there was a TV in the background i had to awkwardly ignore"

laura - "ha ha, i love you. please don't work tomorrow and come save me from myself. p.s. i'm just as bad as your 11 month old,i just threw a huge tantrum. so sorry for pulling you into this...worst idea ever"

tina - "i love you plain and simple"

laura - "we can do this!"

i share the above for the sake of being real and honest. because in life it is so important to be real and honest. and to those of you who think the above conversation is ridiculous - deprive yourself of something you love and enjoy for 5 days and then we will talk. {that may have come out sounding bitchier than i intended}

go on now. enjoy your life with no intranet/media boundaries because in 25 days i will be.

but hey, who's counting?

eleven months

i may or may not have found my child crunching on a piece of his 4 legged friends food. there might have been residue that resembled kibbles and bits on his chubby cheeks. but hey, it could have just been the part of the bluberry muffin he ate for breakfast.

except it was brown and grainy.

wait, what?

gavin loves to go on excursions and he can get where he wants via crawling FAST. he is much happier now that he can follow me into every room i go.

his latest trend is being the gatekeeper. he loves to open and shut doors. i think this could potentially entertain him for the entire day. he also loves opening and closing drawers although the drawers seem to have something against him as i've found him more than once with his fingers stuck while he's screaming and can't get them out. mean drawers.

he has a 3 word vocabulary including dada, mama, and ball. he can sign "more" and wave bye-bye now too.

he likes loves table food. i fed him a dill pickle while he was in the hospital and he just giggled. some favorites are spaghetti with meat sauce, blueberry muffins, pancakes, cheeseburger casserole, corn, rice, dairy queen ice cream cake (just kidding) (maybe)

he is 31 1/2 inches tall and is tipping the scales at almost 27 lbs. he's built like a line backer and is wearing mostly 18-24 month clothes and size 4-5 shoe.

brother knows what he wants, when he wants it, where he wants it. my dad nicely put it as "i think he is going to be a very strong willed boy, reminds me a lot of you" no pushover here (read as we are so going to get a run for our money)

on the flip side he can be really sweet as well. like when i'm trying to change his diaper and he escapes and i'm left to chase his little dimply butt and he just laughs and pees all over the carpet. or when he gives out big flirty smiles with his head tipped to the side and i'm told he's going to be a heart-breaker.

i can't believe in less than one month we will be celebrating the big "1". he has brought more joy to my life than i ever imagined possible.

changing lanes

{day 2 of social media fast, this is harder than it seems}

i want to check my facebook, plain and simple. pathetic, and true. while we're at it i also want to check pinterest, and jami nato's blog, and kelle hamton's blog, and every other blog i follow (which is too many to list)

i'm realizing just how deeply this social networking infused my life. i'm ashamed to realize the amount of precious time wasted on seeing what the rest of the 'world' was up to.

"life is short" a saying we hear all too often. these words regained their potency as i lost a dear classmate this week to a skiing accident.

she was 24.

she died very unexpectedly.

life is short.

i wish i felt the same urgency to check in with God as I do to check my facebook. do you find yourself feeling the same way? while facebook itself is not evil, it can rob people of their time, and self worth. i was flirting with addiction, and at what cost?

what if i utilized that time checking in with the God who created and loved me? what if that time was spent in prayer and devotion? what if that time was spent thinking about others? what if that time was all spent looking in awe at the precious baby boy who graced my life 11 months ago or spent with the husband God blessed me with 3 1/2 years ago?

while media fast is proving to be more than i bargained for, i have this crazy suspicion that on day 30 i'm going to say "that was so worth it".

love

Happy Valentine's Day!

We hope your day is sweet and full of kisses.

Love,

Brady, Tina and Gavin

a fast

{from media}

it's 8:23 monday morning. gavin and i just finished eating delicious buttermilk pancakes. i set him down to play and started doing dishes/cleaning up the kitchen. i noticed when i took him out of his high chair he had some unidentifiable particle of "food" stuck to the butt of his pants. this led me to feel inclined to "deep clean" his high chair. one wouldn't think it could possibly be that filthy already considering he's only been on table foods for the past few months and i do wipe it down occasionally. i will spare you the gnarly details of what was found underneath the lining.

you know how after you're done doing dishes by hand (if anyone does that anymore) and there is that gushy "stuff" left in the drain...if you've ever touched that, this was a similar experience.

and i said i was going to spare you the gnarly details.

got me to thinking about the 'filth' that so quickly accumulates in my own life. i can try to 'wipe things down' occasionaly by praying, reading scripture, conferring with other christians, etc. but sometimes in life we all need a deep clean.

this month will be a deep clean from media for myself and my dear friend laura. we both found ourselves in a 'rut' of sorts of feeling over indulged, unappreciative, uncontent, etc. if you want the whole story of how this all began and the details of the rules, check out her blog.

the basic low down for our media fast is this
- no facebook for an entire month... 30 whole days people
-limiting media time to a total of 7 hrs a week
-we are able to check email because we would both probably loose our job if we didn't
-the only websites we are allowed to access are email and each others blog (because lets be honest we need support)
-we can blog (PTL)
-no texting for fun, we're going to do it the old fashioned way and actually call people

my prayer is that this fast recharges not only my relationship with God, but my relationship with others as well. kind of like when you stop doing what is completely wasting your time and make room for the important things in life. i value face to face time with people and with how accessible social networking has become i'm embarrased to admit that i've let face to face time slide down on my list of priorities, i've even caught myself screening calls on occasion and instead of calling people back, texting them.

there's my confession for the day. ugh.

so, here's a whole month dedicated to changing that. if anyone feels so inclined to join, please do.

now if you'll excuse me i need to get off the computer now, it's already been 30 minutes

(just like that and i'm already down to 6.5 hrs of media left for the week)

baby approved

{homemade spaghetti sauce}

brown one pound hamburger with salt,pepper and diced onion

add 1 can tomato soup, 1 can tomato sauce, 1 can tomato paste

sprinkle with italian seasoning and oregano (just taste it to see if you need more, good cooks don't measure)

let simmer for 10 minutes on stove top. serve on a bed of pasta.

enjoy!

*disclaimer: you will never want to buy prego/ragu ever again

on provision

i wish i didn't stress...about anything. that i was always cool as a cucumber chanting 'it's all good' as my life motto. i wish i was more like my husband and less like the 'prepare for the worst' realist i actually am. i will have you know that i was infused with that mentality during nursing school. it's not my fault. it is a great quality in a nurse if you play out the worst case scenario for your patients and have your game plan ready before the shit actually hits the fan. if you don't, you will be left running around with your head cut off, while your patient appears blue and you're screaming something like "we need a nurse!" while your very own name tag reads "RN".

anyway, moving on.

i have stressed lately. like over my baby's health. over finances. over friends. over family relationships. over people who always seem too busy to care. over what if's. you get the picture. it went something like this. baby is sick, baby is admitted to hospital one hour away. not able to work for over a week. bad timing included tax season. bad timing also included insurance changing on...you guessed it february 1. right smack dab in the middle of our hospital stay meaning we are get to pay not one but two deductibles out of pocket.

looks like i will have to live with the poop stained carpet in our back living room for longer now.
thanks maya.
not really.
stupid mutt.

i wish i trusted God more than what my actions show. i do trust God but prefer it to be on my own terms, which might not actually be trust at all.

while discussing the above with God, i was led to Matthew 8 & 9 on a couple different occasions. one being bible study and the other being this uh-mazing blog. so often in life i pray for patience or i pray for contentment. like God, please make me a more patient and content person. what i wish would happen would be that those qualities be handed out to me like candy on valentines day. BAM! you want patience, coming right up. contenment? you're wish is my command! what actually happens? God allows circumstances and life events to cultivate those qualities deep in my character, so that they are tatooed on my heart. like when i pray for patience and want it instantly (ironic, isn't it?) and it takes my baby much longer than the "average" hospital stay to recover from rsv and pneumonia. or when i pray for contentment and suddenly the bank account doesn't suffice the upcoming medical bills. or when i pray that i am a better steward of the precious gift of time and my best friend texts me

"Do you want to do the media challenge of the book seven together...like start on Monday?"

wham, bam, thank-you maam. everyone should have a best friend like my laura, she makes me a better person. just thinking about her puts a big old smile on my face. looks like when i subtract parenthood, grey's, modern family, biggest loser, bachelor, and facebook my schedule suddenly opened up and i can put my words into action.

so here's to learning to trust God more purely, to experience his provision first-hand. to bask in the fact that he loves me (and you) more than we can fathom. i'm going to repeat that a little louder.

GOD LOVES YOU AND I MORE THAN WE CAN FATHOM.

it doesn't get much better than that friends.

happy weekend.

Once Upon A Time

I apologize for the lack of posting lately but our family has not been healthy for the past almost 2 + weeks. Makes me thankful we don't typically deal with illness much, especially not the serious-have-to-be-in-a-children's-hospital-for-almost-one-week-type. Yes, you read right, Gavin was quite sick and my heart was left feeling many un-nerving emotions as his Mamma.

We went to the ER Thursday January 26. Gavin was dx with RSV and ear infection. I brought him in because his lungs sounded really wheezy. We were sent home on antibiotics and albuterol nebulizing treatments.

Friday & Saturday at home he had fevers in the 102 range.

Sunday my little peanut wouldn't drink/eat anything. He only had 1 "wet" more like damp diaper and his fever was up to 105 around 2 pm. We had been rotating tylenol/motrin every 3 hrs which seemed to be doing nothing. I called back into ER and they told me to bring him in immediately. We got to ER around 2:30pm and he was very limp/lethargic. He was breathing at 88/min (normal is 30-40), his oxygen saturation was 87-88% (normal 100%) his heart rate was 188 (normal 100-140) and his temp was at 104 (febrile seizures can start around 104-106 range) We use this term in the medical world that you really don't ever want to hear and it's "crump" Gavin was definately starting to "crump".

We were brought to a different room where they could start some oxygen. They did a chest xray, drew labs, and determined Gavin had pneumonia in the right lung. Next we were given the choice whether to keep him in the local hospital or ship him to an actual pediatric floor. We choose to ship him to pediatric floor for which the Dr's/nurses commended us. A few of them said "I would have chosen the same thing". He had to go via ambulance and one person was allowed to go with him. Brady was kind enough to let me ride in the ambulance with my sweet boy and he drove himself.

We got to the pediatric floor around 6:20pm. We met with 2 doctors, nurses, etc. They assessed him and determined he needed an IV since he wouldn't eat/drink anything. The IV was started x 1 attempt. ptl. PTL! The name of the game was oxygen/IV fluids for the first two days there. Gavin started to perk up a little more and have some of his personality back which was such a relief. Unless you've been in a situation to see your baby so incredibly sick and appear to be suffering, I can't really explain to you what it feels like. I just kept thinking to myself, why can't I be sick for him. I cried many tears and pleaded with God to help him to improve. I am a nurse, I know how sick people can get, especially little babies with respiratory difficulties. It was different now however because this was my baby, I was no longer the nurse, I was the Mom.

One of the most difficult things was watching them suction out his little nose. They literally had to hold him down and squirted saline up his nose and sucked it out with a noisy machine. He hated it. I hated it too. He was so tramuatized by this that he wouldn't lay on his back in the crib for quite awhile since this was the position he was in when they suctioned him. I knew all the nurses/Dr's were trying to help and this was for his good but it didn't stop me from wanting to sucker punch some of them. Especially after I had fought to get Gavin down for a nap for a good 45 + minutes, he was finally sleeping soundly. Nurse comes in, sees he is sleeping. Says "don't worry I won't wake him up" Proceeds to check his BP which obviously wakes him up, then proceeds to say "He must be a really light sleeper" and leaves me with a screaming awake child. I wanted to say to her, really? WT_? How would you like it if you were sleeping and I came in to take your BP, I'm pretty sure you would wake up too. Ugh. Don't worry I didn't punch her, just swore under my breath.

On the other end of the spectrum was Wendy, our favorite nurse. She was incredible. Literally incredible. Gavin loved her and she loved him like her own. They played peek a boo and sang the itsy-bitsy-spider together. She went so far above and beyond her duties as a nurse and I was so thankful for that. We had her 3 days in a row and joked that Gavin decided to get worse because he knew she was going to be working the next day :) Praise God for people who love their jobs and are good at them. Thank-you Wendy, you made our stay so much easier.

Wednesday they decided to stop the IV fluids to see if Gavin would drink a little more and also tried to wean him off the oxygen. Initially he was doing well and we were talking about being discharged that evening. He only drank 8oz the entire day, had one wet diaper, and got dehyrated all over again. His oxygen level also dipped to 84% during a nap, so we had to restart both the oxygen and IV fluids and obviously weren't allowed to leave.

Thursday was another day of trying to wean off oxygen and stop IV fluids. He did much better this time and tolerated both. They still wanted to keep up that night to make sure he didn't desaturate again. He had a good night and were were discharged from the hospital Friday around noon.

We are all adjusting to being back at home, the Mr is super busy since it's tax season and he is a CPA. I'm thinking my child is convinced we are attached at the hip permanently as I can't even leave the room without him screaming and lifting his arms up saying "Maaamaaa". I won't lie, I do sort of love it. He knows who he wants, and it's me. And that makes me beam with pride. And I'm glad we share a bond that's stickier than rubber freakin cement :)

We are so thankful for all the support we've been shown by family members, co-workers, church, friends, etc. We are blessed beyond belief by all of you. THANK-YOU!