I will never forget the way I felt when I saw him for the first time, the way his teary eyed Daddy beamed with pride over his boy. The way my heart loved instantly and completely the second I heard his cry and saw his adorable furrowed brow that seemed to say "put me back where i came from please" I will never forget the way he calmed instantly when they placed him on my chest. His little eyes squinted while looking up at me, his very own Mamma. We had 'known' each other already since we did share a body for the past 9+ months but oh to see each other for the first time. A sacred memory to my heart.
With incredible joy also came incredible sadness as I trudged through post partum depression. When I look back to those darkest of days I remember being upheld by those who love me most. Upheld at a time in my life when I was too weak to help myself. I had expected perfection of myself and well, to be honest, this was my first rodeo. I was bucked off that damn bull more than once and did lay down in that mud sulking at times while thinking to myself "I can't do this, I am so undeserving of a healthy perfect baby" Truth is I was so afraid to love because I was so afraid to loose. But then one day I realized I had sat in that shit for far too long and it was not for me. Time to stand up (with the help of others, because you don't have to go this alone) brush the dirt off my ass, one foot in the sadle, swing the other leg around and get back on that bull baby. Truth is I've been on this bull for longer than 8 seconds, that whistle has blown but now I'm having so much fun riding I think I will just stay on.
How's that for a new inner strength?
If I could go back and talk to that completely broken and overwhelmed Tina, what would I tell her? I would tell her that God is there always, even though she feels completely forsaken. I would remind her she married her best friend and his loyalty, patience, and understanding are nothing short of a miracle, maybe God gave him those exact qualities for this very specific reason. I would remind her to let people in, always...they want to help. I would tell her that her very own Mom and Sister would teach her how to be a Mom and that her Dad would have great insight for her.
I would tell her that going through this is going to shape her and mold her into the exact nurse God intended her to be. I would tell her she would be amazed at the number of patients she will impact who are going through the same thing. I would tell her she will share hugs with them, and will also share tears with them. I would tell her she would be their hope. I would promise her that she will feel a bond so strong to Gavin that there literally isn't anything she wouldn't do for him. I would inform her that a day would come where she enjoyed waking up at 7am because her alarm clock was now her sweet baby boy. I would laugh with her and tell her that a day will come when the tears will stop and in there place will be laughing (while more than likely peeing a little thanks to a natural birth)and dancing around with her baby on her hip.
Most importantly I would tell her that it will all be worth it, God had a very specific plan and although it wasn't her plan of how things should go, it will all work out.
It was as though I had planned my postpartum to be like a vacation. (Naive anyone? Go ahead and laugh) The destination was Hawaii. I was completely ready and had packed my swim suit, sunscreen, and summer clothes only to find out my plane was actually headed for and landing in Alaska. No time to go home and re-pack. Suddenly I was completely unprepared and surrounded by unfamiliarity. Tempting as it was to give up all hope, I didn't. Thank God that those who loved me rallied all around lending me their warmer clothes, coats, hats, mittens and snow boots. Suddenly I realized that while I was expecting beautiful oceans and sunsets, the snow and mountains were just as beautiful.
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