on provision

i wish i didn't stress...about anything. that i was always cool as a cucumber chanting 'it's all good' as my life motto. i wish i was more like my husband and less like the 'prepare for the worst' realist i actually am. i will have you know that i was infused with that mentality during nursing school. it's not my fault. it is a great quality in a nurse if you play out the worst case scenario for your patients and have your game plan ready before the shit actually hits the fan. if you don't, you will be left running around with your head cut off, while your patient appears blue and you're screaming something like "we need a nurse!" while your very own name tag reads "RN".

anyway, moving on.

i have stressed lately. like over my baby's health. over finances. over friends. over family relationships. over people who always seem too busy to care. over what if's. you get the picture. it went something like this. baby is sick, baby is admitted to hospital one hour away. not able to work for over a week. bad timing included tax season. bad timing also included insurance changing on...you guessed it february 1. right smack dab in the middle of our hospital stay meaning we are get to pay not one but two deductibles out of pocket.

looks like i will have to live with the poop stained carpet in our back living room for longer now.
thanks maya.
not really.
stupid mutt.

i wish i trusted God more than what my actions show. i do trust God but prefer it to be on my own terms, which might not actually be trust at all.

while discussing the above with God, i was led to Matthew 8 & 9 on a couple different occasions. one being bible study and the other being this uh-mazing blog. so often in life i pray for patience or i pray for contentment. like God, please make me a more patient and content person. what i wish would happen would be that those qualities be handed out to me like candy on valentines day. BAM! you want patience, coming right up. contenment? you're wish is my command! what actually happens? God allows circumstances and life events to cultivate those qualities deep in my character, so that they are tatooed on my heart. like when i pray for patience and want it instantly (ironic, isn't it?) and it takes my baby much longer than the "average" hospital stay to recover from rsv and pneumonia. or when i pray for contentment and suddenly the bank account doesn't suffice the upcoming medical bills. or when i pray that i am a better steward of the precious gift of time and my best friend texts me

"Do you want to do the media challenge of the book seven together...like start on Monday?"

wham, bam, thank-you maam. everyone should have a best friend like my laura, she makes me a better person. just thinking about her puts a big old smile on my face. looks like when i subtract parenthood, grey's, modern family, biggest loser, bachelor, and facebook my schedule suddenly opened up and i can put my words into action.

so here's to learning to trust God more purely, to experience his provision first-hand. to bask in the fact that he loves me (and you) more than we can fathom. i'm going to repeat that a little louder.

GOD LOVES YOU AND I MORE THAN WE CAN FATHOM.

it doesn't get much better than that friends.

happy weekend.