I love you so much, my precious baby.

This is so hard. Harder than I could have ever imagined. I've never walked through a more difficult valley in my life. I am ready to share the story of what happened. It's taken me some time to get here. I don't know exactly what I'm going to write, I just feel God nudging me to write. I feel Him saying to me, share, share with others how I have remained faithful to you even in the valley of the shadow of death. And I'm going to share just that.

February 15, 2010. The hardest day of my life. I went to our "normal/routine" 12 week OB appointment in Orange City. I looked so cute with my newly forming baby bump, I felt so beautiful thinking our little one was growing inside of me. I wore my new green maternity top that accented my new bump. Those feelings quickly changed. After a failed attempt of trying to find the heartbeat with a doppler, we were sent to an ultrasound in the clinic. At first the mood was calm but as the ultrasound continued I could see the Dr looking intently at the screen and I knew. They wouldn't tell me for certain at that point as I needed to have a complete ultrasound in the radiology department. My worst fears were confirmed in that little room. "Tina, unfortunately there is no heartbeat" You're baby looks perfect other than that. Brady was with me, he is such an amazing husband. He wouldn't have missed any of my appointments no matter what. He was so stinkin excited. What a man. We cried together in that little room. We cried and pleaded with God. Why? What are you doing God? Why us? Why our precious baby? The answers didn't come. The answers will probably never come on this side of heaven.

I was instructed to go home and see if my body would "pass" the "tissue" on it's own. I waited and nothing happened. I didn't figure anything would happen. I had no signs that anything was wrong in the first place.

We had to tell the shattering news to everyone. I never realized just how excited everyone actually was for us. Shattered dreams for our parents who felt so ready to be "Grandpa & Grandma". Shattered dreams for all of our siblings that were ready to be "aunt & uncle". Our baby was so loved already.

February 18, 2010. Back to the Dr. office. I was prescribed oral cytotec to try to induce a miscarriage since my body was not doing anything on it's own. I had some mild bleeding for 3 hrs.

February 19, 2010. Back to the Dr. office. They drew my hcg levels which had decreased quite a bit so it was thought that I was probably starting to miscarry. I called the clinic that Saturday and the next Monday to inform them I didn't feel like everything had passed but they instructed me to "wait and don't worry". So I tried to do that best I could. They instructed me that I would need to have my hcg levels drawn in 2 weeks and they should be at a non pregnant state at that time which is zero.

March 5, 2010. The longest 2 weeks of my life finally passed and my hcg levels were drawn. The expected result was zero. The desired result was zero. My actual result - 832.

March 8, 2010. The clinic calls me to report my level is still 832. A pelvic ultrasound is ordered and scheduled for 1pm. A Dr. appointment is scheduled for 2pm. The pelvic ultrasound shows the whole gestational sac remains intact and our precious baby's body was still inside. It was hard to see again. I could make out the head, the little arm buds, leg buds, and umbilical cord. Looked like the most beautiful little baby. I reminded myself that this was just my babies body, and our precious baby's soul was already in heaven with Jesus. We went over to the Dr. appointment and discussed options. We all decided that the plan of action would be to try vaginal cytotec at an increased dose and if it didn't work, a d & c would be scheduled for Thursday March 11. I was in agreement with this plan. I honestly didn't think the cytotec would work since it hadn't worked last time. I was instructed to go to the ER if the pain got too bad or if the bleeding was too much.

Brady and I got back home from the Dr. office about 3pm. I started bleeding some around 4pm. By the time 6pm hit I was bleeding profusely. I will spare the gory details. Brady reminds me that as a nurse I have lost some "tact" when it comes to what is appropriate to share. I will try to keep that in mind :) I didn't really think much of bleeding so heavy, they told me "you will bleed very heavily with a miscarriage" so I thought, finally something is working correctly. Little did I know. When 9pm hit and the bleeding hadn't let up, I called the ER to see if I needed to come in. They told me that I needed to come in immediately. The ER nurse said that there was possibly some tissue stuck in my cervix and my body was trying to "flush" it out with blood. Brady drove me to the ER. He sped. He never speeds. I think he and I both knew we needed to get there now. I sat on a towel on the way to the ER which was soaked during the 15 minute drive to Orange City. That will explain how much I was bleeding. I remember walking into the ER with Brady and sitting down and having my vitals taken. My pulse was 135 - sign of hemorrhage. Then everything got very black and quiet. The rest has been told to me since I only remember bits and pieces of it. They started 2 IV's and ran fluid with Pitocin wide open. They also treated me with Methergine to stop the bleeding. The Dr. manually removed the tissue that was stuck. Brady told me that I appeared to be in so much pain. I don't remember it hurting. I just remember hearing my best friends voice saying "you can do this honey, you're doing good, hang in there, i love you" The surgery team was called in as they were possibly going to send me for a d & c if the bleeding didn't slow down. As surgery was called, the bleeding started to slow. Thank God. They had also debated treating me with a blood tranfusion but the type and crossmatch came back saying I had antigens in my system since I had received rhogam earlier in the pregnacy. As they were figuring all of this out the bleeding started to slow and it was decided to hold with the blood transfusion. My hemaglobin had started really high which was a blessing, it dropped quite significantly but thank God I started high. I remember asking the Dr and nurses if it was a good thing I came in (my brain was a little low on blood during that question) and they informed me that if I hadn't come in when I did I would have passed out at home, continued to hemorrhage, and could have potentially died. I had seriously debated just going to bed, I thought everything will be fine, I don't want to be one of those people that goes to the ER for a "stupid reason that's not truly an emergency". Thank God I went in. Thank God.

They ended up keeping me overnight for close monitoring and treatment with fluids and medications to stop the bleeding. I didn't sleep at all. I couldn't. I was too scared I might die. Instead of sleeping I watched my husband who was semi asleep on this tiny little hospital "cot". I stared at him and fell more in love. He has been by my side through everything. I watched him asleep and felt like the absolute luckiest woman alive. He loves me unconditionally. He cares more deeply about me than anyone I know. I thought of how I would miss him if the outcome of this night was different. I thanked God for him many times that night.

We stayed longer than expected because I had questionable "water intoxication" from all the fluids I received in a short amount of time. The symptoms that went a long with that was a massive headache, blurry vision, dizziness, nausea and vomiting, and looking like a balloon. Literally, my face looked like a balloon. So did my hands. We just got my wedding ring off in time. They did an ultrasound at 10:40am and it showed an empty uterus. I think an ultrasound of my heart would have showed the same thing. I started to feel somewhat better that afternoon as I got rid of the fluid and we were discharged to home around 6pm.

I was off work for 2 weeks to regain my strength back. It's amazing how wiped out I felt all the time from loosing that much blood. Taking a shower felt like running a marathon.

March 24, 2010. I'm still taking it day by day. Physically I'm feeling better. The emotional battle continues as I've been through a lot. I do praise God for sparing my life. I know His plan is right and perfect even when I cannot understand it. I went through this for a reason. I will praise God always. I praise Him in the good times and I praise Him in the "valley of the shadow of death". I have hope I will meet my baby someday. It really is beautiful that my baby will never know any pain. My baby only knew the warmth and love of my womb to be taken by angels to heaven to live in glory with Jesus. That's beautiful and that's what is keeping me going. On days when I'd rather not wake up and face life, I do because of that beautiful promise that heaven is for us and our children. Praise God.

I have never felt more loved in my life. People really do care. It's amazing to feel so loved. Families are a blessing. There have been so many prayers offered. Cards, meals brought, flowers, visits, help with housework, what a blessing. Another blessing is having a sister in law who is also walking this hard journey with me as she lost her baby in November. God is great and He has given me sufficient grace for the day.

I miss you so much my child, my heart aches. I love you more than anything. I bet heaven is great isn't it little one, everything's perfect and there are angles all around. I bet you love to run and play on the streets of gold. I bet you're beautiful. Mommy wishes she could have just held you once and kissed your face. Just once is all I'm asking. I will see you someday my precious baby, until then know that I love you and I will always be thinking of you.