to thine own self be true

it's hard for me to admit that lately i haven't felt much like writing.

{call it the normal wax and wane of everyday life.}

i can't exactly pin point what "it" is

maybe it's partially remembering this time of my life last year and how i was literally fighting like hell everyday to feel anything. while life itself was very much in full bloom last year at this time my insides felt as empty as the tomb on easter sunday. i really try to not give ppd any more time that it already stole from me. while it taught me many important life lessons and God used it to better me as a person, i am so over living in fear that it will return. fear is only a feeling and i refuse to let it define who i am. the amazing lesson i learned is that my God is limitless. He is bigger than any problem or issue i will ever face and He is capable to do anything.

lately i sense a spiritual 'spring cleaning' going on in my heart. God is leading me in new directions and i am finally learning what it feels like to live a life of trusting Him completely. it's scary because this mamma likes control but the important thing is i'm learning to let go and let God. whether with relationships, possible future career changes, family planning, circumstances, hopes or dreams it feels so good to just let go and storm heaven's gates pursuing God's direction for my life.

therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. for the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. consider him who endured such oppositions from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

hebrews 12:1-3

quote

"don't ask what the world needs. ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. because what the world needs is people who have come alive"

Dr. Howard Thurman

ran across this on kelle hampton's blog "enjoying the small things" and have been thinking deeply about what it truly means., especially for my life.

{more on that later, i need to go lay down and rest}

i was blessed with the lovely flu bug that hit me like a ton of bricks last night at 2 am.

i will spare you the gnarly details. promise.

i hate being sick.

spring

it's 70 degrees outside. i know because the little and i just had a playdate which included being outside with a dear mommy friend and her sweet miracle baby girl. i'm not even kidding, she is a complete miracle. and she's beautiful.

let me re-iterate; it's 70 degrees out AND it's march 14 AND i live in a state where winter exists.

PTL!

today on his noon hr the mr informed me that this weather isn't acceptable because it's tax season (which means long work days) and to put it bluntly it's easier to be motivated at work when it's blizzarding outside your window

{thanks for working your tail off for us hunny, you are so respectable, and cute. okay i will stop embarrasing you}

here are the fruits from my media fast "cheat day" the littles first flip flops. brother is tough with sharks on his tootsies.

stay tuned for a piece i'm working on regarding why living on the sidelines isn't for me anymore. it was sparked by the below quote. while i don't know you personally mary oliver, i like what you had going on here.

"tell me what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" mary oliver

Reflections

It's been almost one year ago that my entire life changed. Gavin Andrew graced our lives March 5 at exactly 4:42pm after a very short labor and delivery, making his debut 3 weeks early. 7lbs 9 oz, 21 inches long. Jet black hair that covered the tops of his ears. 100% beautiful and perfect.

I will never forget the way I felt when I saw him for the first time, the way his teary eyed Daddy beamed with pride over his boy. The way my heart loved instantly and completely the second I heard his cry and saw his adorable furrowed brow that seemed to say "put me back where i came from please" I will never forget the way he calmed instantly when they placed him on my chest. His little eyes squinted while looking up at me, his very own Mamma. We had 'known' each other already since we did share a body for the past 9+ months but oh to see each other for the first time. A sacred memory to my heart.

With incredible joy also came incredible sadness as I trudged through post partum depression. When I look back to those darkest of days I remember being upheld by those who love me most. Upheld at a time in my life when I was too weak to help myself. I had expected perfection of myself and well, to be honest, this was my first rodeo. I was bucked off that damn bull more than once and did lay down in that mud sulking at times while thinking to myself "I can't do this, I am so undeserving of a healthy perfect baby" Truth is I was so afraid to love because I was so afraid to loose. But then one day I realized I had sat in that shit for far too long and it was not for me. Time to stand up (with the help of others, because you don't have to go this alone) brush the dirt off my ass, one foot in the sadle, swing the other leg around and get back on that bull baby. Truth is I've been on this bull for longer than 8 seconds, that whistle has blown but now I'm having so much fun riding I think I will just stay on.

How's that for a new inner strength?

If I could go back and talk to that completely broken and overwhelmed Tina, what would I tell her? I would tell her that God is there always, even though she feels completely forsaken. I would remind her she married her best friend and his loyalty, patience, and understanding are nothing short of a miracle, maybe God gave him those exact qualities for this very specific reason. I would remind her to let people in, always...they want to help. I would tell her that her very own Mom and Sister would teach her how to be a Mom and that her Dad would have great insight for her.

I would tell her that going through this is going to shape her and mold her into the exact nurse God intended her to be. I would tell her she would be amazed at the number of patients she will impact who are going through the same thing. I would tell her she will share hugs with them, and will also share tears with them. I would tell her she would be their hope. I would promise her that she will feel a bond so strong to Gavin that there literally isn't anything she wouldn't do for him. I would inform her that a day would come where she enjoyed waking up at 7am because her alarm clock was now her sweet baby boy. I would laugh with her and tell her that a day will come when the tears will stop and in there place will be laughing (while more than likely peeing a little thanks to a natural birth)and dancing around with her baby on her hip.

Most importantly I would tell her that it will all be worth it, God had a very specific plan and although it wasn't her plan of how things should go, it will all work out.

It was as though I had planned my postpartum to be like a vacation. (Naive anyone? Go ahead and laugh) The destination was Hawaii. I was completely ready and had packed my swim suit, sunscreen, and summer clothes only to find out my plane was actually headed for and landing in Alaska. No time to go home and re-pack. Suddenly I was completely unprepared and surrounded by unfamiliarity. Tempting as it was to give up all hope, I didn't. Thank God that those who loved me rallied all around lending me their warmer clothes, coats, hats, mittens and snow boots. Suddenly I realized that while I was expecting beautiful oceans and sunsets, the snow and mountains were just as beautiful.

Different and unexpected? Yes... but perfectly beautiful all the same.